Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

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Friday, August 9, 2013

Life goes on.

I suppose time has just gotten away from me. I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a year and a half. This blog used to sustain me, it really helped me sort my feelings out. It's crazy to look back and read all of these and see how utterly broken I was. It's heartbreaking, but at the same time it's amazing, to see how far I've come and all.

I suppose I'll start my update from the last time y'all heard from me.
I graduated from high school on June 1st, 2012. Nothing can describe the feeling I had as I walked across that stage and got my diploma. I feel so accomplished and so proud that, despite having a baby at home to take care of, I graduated with a good ranking in my class, on time, got to walk, etc. Few times in my life have I ever felt so proud of myself. It was also hard, though, to not have Ty graduating with us. Harder than I thought it would be. It broke my heart, to see his parents in the stands watching us graduate, and knowing that they should have been celebrating their son's future, too.

After graduation, I went to a local community/junior college and worked my butt off to save up money. I'm happy to say that I was accepted to my dream school and am moving there in just a few short days. It's crazy to think about, and I'm terrified but excited all at once. It's going to be such a big change not to have family around, especially since I have relied on them so much since Ty was born.
Logan and I are in a relationship. It's been a year now. It was hard to do long distance but it's all worked out and now we'll be at the same college and living really close to each other. Our relationship has progressed slowly but surely, and I'm finally starting to feel truly happy with him. We've been through a lot together, and he completely respects my feelings and the boundaries I needed. It's hard to try and love again, especially when part of my heart still belongs to Ty. Sometimes I wish we had just broken up - at least then there would have been closure. I try not to dwell on it, though.

I've also been pregnant since you last heard from me. Logan was the father. It was a one time thing, very abrupt and unexpected and I didn't know how to feel about it. And then I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, angry, brokenhearted, guilty... I didn't want that baby. I considered abortion for a while but decided against it. I miscarried a few days after I graduated high school. It broke me. I felt SO guilty - I felt like since I hadn't wanted the baby, I was punished and it was taken away. I still grieve for that baby, but yet I'm also glad I had the miscarriage in a way. I don't think I would be where I am now if I had a 7 month old right now... I don't think I could have done it. Maybe I'm terrible for thinking that, but I can't help but think that I never would have been able to save so much money and get a good enough GPA to transfer.

Grief is a funny thing. It consumes you, it sets you free, it breaks you, it heals you. It passes through you with periods of lulls and periods of raging, terrible, unforgiving grief. Some say it gets better with time, but I haven't really found that to be true. You just find a way to bury it inside a little farther, make your mask a little less see through, be a little stronger for those who need you.

Ty is almost 2 and a half now. I can't believe how big and strong and smart my little boy is becoming. He is the spitting image of his father, and that fact both heals me and breaks me into a million tiny pieces all at once. I have a picture of Ty in his room, and I do my best to make sure he knows who he is. Once he pointed at the picture and said "daddy." I held it together until I left the room. It's things like that that kill me. Sometimes I wonder if Ty knows about his son. He never even got to know I was pregnant before he died... I feel like he does know, that he sees and is looking over him every moment.

As I said before, I'm moving in a few days. I'm SO anxious and scared, and I'm just caught up in thinking about how much everything is going to change - not seeing my parents everyday, being far from Ty's parents, too... It's just weird. I know I'll have Logan, and Ty's sister Rina also goes to the university I'm going to, so I'll have her for support, but I'm going to miss my parents SO much... And so will Ty. He's going to miss all of his grandparents, and his uncles and aunts. I really hope he copes well. I also found out that I'm going to be an aunt - my sister Farah is finally pregnant! Her and Dave have been trying for a baby for so long... She's due in October and is having TWINS - a boy and a girl. I'm so elated for her and I can't wait to be an aunt!

Things are still hard, but I get through it. I'm so much happier than I was before - I've finally learned how to balance my sadness with my happiness. I don't think I will ever be fully healed, but I have faith that it will get a little easier. My son gives me my strength. I never thought that motherhood would call on me so strongly. Everything I do is for him. Everything. Through all of this, he is the one thing that I am so blessed to have.

Friday, March 16, 2012

My baby is one, college and other things.

My son is one year old. Where the heck did time go? He's walking, says a few words, and he intimidates EVERYTHING! I can't believe a year ago I had just brought home a newborn. I feel like a completely different person than I was then! I was so broken. Honestly, I still feel really broken, but just not as deep, I guess. Seeing my son smile and laugh and play just makes all the bad things in the world disappear. I love him so much, it's impossible to describe. I wish all the time that Ty could see him. I know he'd be so proud of our son and I think he would be of me, too. I feel him sometimes. Sometimes it's the breeze coming in through the window when I'm rocking Ty to sleep. Sometimes it's the sun on my face after days of clouds. Today, it was a random bluebonnet growing in the middle of a sidewalk. I know he's watching over us, and i know he's always with me. I've thought a lot of what it will be like for little Ty, growing up without a father. As he reaches all these milestones - first steps, first words, first birthday - I can't imagine what he'll feel when he scores his first touchdown or makes his first A on a test he studied really hard for. I can't imagine what he'll feel when he graduates, or when he gets married or has his own children, all without the guidence of his father. I hope that I can convey to him what a wonderful man he was. I hope he can grow to know him in his own way, in any way.

I will be graduating on June 1st. I can't believe that my senior year is almost over! It was nothing like I expected it to be, but not necessarily in all bad ways. I'm so proud that I'm graduating... I can't even explain! Besides having my son, it's probably the most proud I've ever been of anything. I'm number 104, which is about top 15%, which I'm really proud about considering the fact that I have a kid and considering all the REALLY smart kids that go to my school... I applied to a few colleges and got into all of them, but after really really thinking about it, I decided to just go to the junior college by me for at least the first year so that I can work and save some money to move out. I don't really feel ready to move away from home yet, and I don't think I would survive well without the help of my parents to watch Ty while I go to school. Plus going to a junior college will be SO much less expensive right now, and I really don't want to be in debt forever. Hopefully after my freshman or sophomore year I'll be in a better place and be able to move out - though I really don't think I'd go far. Maybe A&M or Sam Houston, UTSA would be pushing it. I don't want to move too far away from my family. But if I went to A&M or Sam Houston, I'd be SUPER close to my sister and her husband, which would be great. Farah loves babysitting Ty, so that could be a big help, too.

And Logan. I haven't talked about him much on this blog, but he was Ty's BEST friend. Since they were in diapers. Long story short, our relationship is complicated. We're kind of together, but kind of not. I love him, but I'm not sure in what way I'm comfortable with loving him. And he deserves someone that does know. He's a great person, a great man, and he deserves someone who can love him back with everything she has. And I just can't give that right now. He's been so good to me since Ty died - and he was a great friend before that - and I've done nothing but let him down. In a perfect world, I would love him back. I want to love him back. But I'm not ready to love again. I'm just not. So in August, he'll go off to college and I'll be here, and I don't know what will happen. Somewhere inside me, I hope that he'll wait for me, but I don't expect him to realistically. He deserves to be happy, and I won't blame him if he finds someone else.

So that's all for now... I have been terrible at updating this blog, and I hope ya'll can forgive me, if anyone even visits this anymore!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

My Dearest Ty,

     Yesterday was one year since you passed away. It's odd to think that it's been one whole year. It felt like a whole lifetime. I'm trying to think of what I would say to you if you came back. But honestly, I've said it all. I will ALWAYS miss and love you so much.
     Our son is beautiful. He looks JUST like you, Ty. Like, I'm not sure if he got any of my genes, haha. :) He's a lucky kid<3 I wish you could have met him. I know you would have been such an amazing dad. And I know he would have loved you so much. I know you're looking down on us every day, and I hope you're proud of me. I've tried so hard to do all the right things. And I think now, that's not dwelling on the past. So this will be my last letter to you. It's somewhat bittersweet, but I know that to move on from this part in my life, it's what I have to do. You will always be in my heart. And you will live on through me, and through little Ty. I know you are always with us.
     Your family is doing wonderfully. They miss you like crazy - we all do - but they're finally happy again. It's your memory that made us all happy again, and the realization that we're living the rest of our lives for you. And sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves won't honor you. So we're all going to live our lives in honor of you. And I hope that we make you proud.
See you someday, my love.
Always and forever yours,
Savannah Ray.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It's been a long time!

Well ya'll, I know it's been quite a while since I last posted. A lot has happened! Ty is now 4 months old! Every day with him is such an absolute joy and I feel so absolutely blessed to have him in my life. He can roll over and bear weight on his legs when I hold him up. He smiles and laughs ALL the time, and it makes my day every single time. They totally melt my heart every single time. I'll be a senior this fall and plan to try as hard as I can in school, get the best grades I can, be a good mother for my little boy and have fun for me.
On Friday, it will be a year since Ty passed away. Every day this past year has been a complete struggle, so hard to get through, 24/7. He's my first thought every morning, my last before I sleep, and even in my dreams, he's still there. He'll always be with me, and I will always love him. People say that with time the pain goes away, but that's not true. I always feel that pain. But as time goes on, I learn how to deal with it and not let it effect me and live in a way that would have made him proud and happy. I'm at such a different place than I was long ago. And it's still so hard and I still miss him so much, but I'm happy. I'm happy with our son, I'm happy that I have our son as part of him. I really think that God blessed me with little Ty for that reason. It's been such a journey and it's nowhere near over, but I think that this year mark is going to be a start to a new chapter, one filled with hope and a whole lot of life. I will live for him. Every day, I will live for him. And I've made a promise for him and for my son to do everything that he would have wanted to do, to honor him. Raising a child, traveling, spending time with family and friends, having fun, helping others, and maybe even getting married one day. I want to live a life that will make my son proud one day when he looks back at everything I went through. I want to live a life to honor someone who still had a whole lot more life to live. I want a live a life to make myself happy. And I vow from now on not to let myself have all thsoe "what if"s. Because Ty is gone, and there's nothing I can to about it except live for him, in honor of him. And that's what I plan to do.


Much love to my two beautiful, amazing Tys who light up my life every day, two mothers who never gave up on me, to my friends who never left me, and to one who always, ALWAYS is there for me. You are all more precious to me than I can ever even try to put into words, and I thank you all so much.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I'm a mommy. :)

Tyler Cash, named after his daddy, was born March 13th at 4:05pm, after 15 hours of labor. Weighed 8lbs, 3oz and measured 21 inches. 
I couldn't sleep on the night of the 12th/13th, and I was up at probably midnight or so. I was having A LOT of Braxton Hicks, and they were pretty strong. Some of them I kind of had to breathe through. I was on the computer, just messing around and then decided to try and go back to sleep. I STILL couldn't, and my nose was stuffed up so I thought I'd take a shower to clear up my sinuses and just feel more clean. Just as I was about to get out, my water broke. It was kind of one big gush, but then trickled after the initial gush, which I didn't expect. I went and told my mom, and we headed to the hospital. When we got there, I was 4 cm dilated, 100% effaced. I fell asleep a bit later, and when I woke up it was probably around 6am, after sleeping for about an hour. My mom had called my sister and told her to come, and also let my best friends know that I was in labor. Farah and Dave got there around 9am. I was about 6cm by then, and the contractions started getting much stronger. They offered me the epidural, but I decided to hold off on it for now. It was hard to get through each contraction, but once I kind of developed a way to breathe through it that worked, it was surprisingly manageable. Things just kind of progressed until about 2:30pm, when I was 8cm. That's when things got really hard. The contractions were AWFUL, and I even said that I just wanted a c-section. But after a short pep talk from my mom and Farah, I kind of got that extra boost. Around 3:30, I was 10cm and they started preparing for the birth. My dad, Dave and my brother left the room (I just wanted my mom and Farah there) and I started pushing. Once I got the hang of that, I kind of just put my mind set on the baby being born and not the pain, and it worked. Ty was born at 4:05pm. When they put him in my arms, I just started crying. It was just surreal, crazy, amazing all at once. And it made me miss Ty A LOT. Through the whole thing, it was just hard because I so wished that he was there. But he wasn't, and couldn't be. And that was the hardest thing to get through. It was more painful than the contractions or any other labor pain. 
But all in all, I'm proud of coming so far. I know that Ty is always with us, and maybe it's time for me to move on. I know I'll never love anyone as much as I loved him. I know that I will always love him. He'll always be in my thoughts and my mind, and my sight. Because of little Ty, and just because I couldn't bear to let him go completely. But it's time that I stop living in the past, wishing Ty would come back, and start living for little Ty and myself. Because that's what Ty would have wanted.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Seven whole months.

Can you believe it's been that long, Ty? Seven months since you've been gone. But you know, it feels like two completely different lifetimes. Before the accident and after the accident. The two different people I've been. The two different eras.
I'm 36 weeks now, Ty. 37 weeks soon. Now that has gone fast. Isn't it funny? It seems like it's been years since I've seen you, but these months of pregnancy have flown by like they were nine days instead of nine months. I miss you, bud. I wish you could be here to feel every kick, laugh at all my craziness. I seriously can't stop thinking of all those "what if"s and those "what would you be doing if you were here"s. If you see someone on TV lose a significant other, you feel bad for them. Say you can't imagine what they have to go through. But the thing is, you really can't. Even if you try to imagine it or be empathetic, you truly have no idea whatsoever unless you're in the situation. I wish I wasn't. I wish I only had to sympathize and "not be able to imagine" what it would be like. I wish you'd be able to hold your child. I wish you'd be able to encourage me when I'm upset. I wish you were here to go through this with me. But why even wish anymore? There's no use. It does nothing. Nothing but shatter my already broken heart.
It's impossible to move on. Even though people think I have, I haven't. I still lay in bed at night and think about you. I ache for you. I cry for you. But like I said - it doesn't do much. I just miss you. A LOT. Keep staying in my dreams<3 I live for them. I love you and miss you.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Dear Ty,

"When the earth is grey and white, I light a fire inside - extra blanket time. It's lonely in life, designed for two. Yeah, winter time is when I most miss you."

"Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim I know is gonna fit me like a friend. Or some radio song, you can't help but sing along, wishing they'd spin it over and over again. Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive, smell of rain on a summer night - Anything that brings a little more comfort my way. But sometimes, there's those times, it's gotta be you. I keep telling myself I'm moving on, but I'm stumbling. Believing my heart was strong enough, and now I'm wandering. But I take that leads me away just circles back to your door..." 

"The days are cold, living without you. The nights are long, I'm growing older. I miss the days of old, thinking about you... You may be gone, but you're never over."

It's been a while. I'm sorry for that. It just gets harder and harder to write these. I don't really know why. I guess it's just hard to be reminded of you every day when I wake up, with our baby inside me. I feel like it's just impossible to tell you how I feel. Being without you... It's unbearable. My life is so different compared to when you were still here. Everything has changed. Most people have pretty much moved on. I've pretended to, but you know me. I hold on to things for far too long. I just hate that I have to do this without you, and think of all those little things you would have done for me and the baby. And how excited you would have been, despite our age and our setbacks. I can't quit thinking about those what-ifs. I keep telling myself that I'm going to move on, but it's impossible. Completely. You will always be there, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. I'm so scared about being a mom, and being a mom without you. What I've give to see you again... I'd say this all sucks, but that is the biggest understatement that could ever be come up with. I just miss of you so much. Everything reminds me of you, I see you in everything. I feel like all I can do is dream of you. So all I do is sleep. I know I need to let go, but I don't want to. I can't. I just wish I would have called you five minutes earlier, I wish I would have driven myself, I wish you wouldn't have picked up that phone. I wish you were here. I love you and miss you, Ty Ty<3 
Forever yours,
Savannah Ray.