Christmas!

Has been really good this year. :)
Farah and Dave are visiting, so I'm enjoying that! Farah always makes me happy. :)
Last night, we made a gingerbread house and decorated Christmas cookies! Then we went to the 11 o'clock service and it was AMAZING! The candlelit part at the end is always my favorite. :) It was gorgeous and the music was phenomenal. We got home at about 12:30 am and I went straight to bed, I was SO tired. And I slept really really well all night! Until Sam woke me up. :l Butttttttttttttttttt. 
But oh well. Finally started opening presents. I got some cool things! I'm mainly excited about my new camera! I've been taking pictures ALL DAY. Haha. I even wore the battery out already. I've wanted a new camera for the longest time<3 
It was really bittersweet though. I mean, especially seeing Farah and Dave. As much as I'm incredibly happy for them, it reminds me of Ty and I. And I've just missed him a lot lately, it being Christmas and all.


Well I have to go get ready because we're seeing the new Narnia movie in just a little bit. :)
Merry Christmas, ya'll!

5 months.

It's been five months. Five months of sympathetic looks, five months of tiptoeing around the subject, when all I really want to do is talk. Five months alone. Five months heartbroken. Five months without you.
Honestly, Ty, it feels more like fifty years.
It's Christmas, now. Your very favorite season. It's just not the same without you. The Christmas season just doesn't seem magical anymore. It's hard without you. I don't deny it. 

I don't even know what else to say except that I miss you. A lot. And I wish you were here with me, and our baby. I love you.

Winter Ball&other things(:

I actually did have a really really good time! I thought it would be awful and hard and awkward, but it wasn't. I really had a good time! Dimitri knew the boundaries I was comfortable with and was sensitive to my feelings, etc. Everyone was lookin' mightyfine. :) And it was just in general a really good time. I got to be friends with a few people I didn't know all that well, and it was just a good time!

I'm also all done with my Christmas shopping. Kara and I went shopping and I bought things for Savita, Alie, Kara, my parents and my brother. I just need to get a few more little things for my mom, Savita and Kara because I only got them one thing. 
Doesn't really feel much like Christmas here, weather wise. It's supposed to be 80 degrees tomorrow! Not looking forward to it at all!


I really want to stay up for the lunar eclipse, but I'm so tired. I don't know if I'm going to make it. :l 

Well that's a short blog, but I don't have much else to say, so goodnight for now. :)

TIRED.

I am literally falling asleep at the keyboard. I'm FINALLY on break<3 No more school until January 5thhhh. :) I got a 72 on my spanish test, but that's out of the 4 people in my class of 30 that passed! So I'm absolutely relieved that I passed. I'm still worried about my physics test, but there's not much I can do about it now. I got an 89 on my final speech. I thought the rest of my tests were easy so hopefully I get a good grade! 
I really want to go take a nap, though. I'm just SO exhausted and tired. And there's still a lot to do! I need to go Christmas shopping, because I haven't gotten anything for ANYONE. STILL! :l Blah. I'm super stressed, but hopefully the break will help out. I'm just looking forward to getting some good sleep<3

I'm actually kind of excited about winter ball. I didn't think I would be, but I am. :)

Ow?

So I'm pretty sure my hand feels like it was run over by a truck. :/ I don't know why, but it does! Blah. It really really hurts! Blah. Oh.. Said that already! ;)
TWO DAYS until Christmas break... 4 finals. I know I aced my algebra final, but I think I failed physics... I didn't know ANYTHING on that test! I guessed on almost all of it! :(
I'm really really nervous! I need to get good grades. :/

I'm totally watching disney movies right now. Not ashamed. :) I'm in a particularly good mood today, not sure why. Despite the stress and worry and pain. :/ Blah. I guess that's my favorite word today? BLAH.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas, that I'm halfway through my junior year, and that I'm going to have a baby in a few months. Everything is going by so fast. It's the crazy thing called life I guess. And in the words of the great George Strait, Life's not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. :)

So far, not good.

So I'm pretty sure I got a C or failed my spanish test. :/ I didn't expect it to be that hard! Luckily I have an A in that class so hopefully even if I did fail it wouldn't make me fail the class. Although the final is 20% of my semester grade. :/ Blah. School is so stressing, especially this year! I really need to get more organized for next semester, and not just for school but also baby-wise. I feel like we haven't even begun to prepare - we literally haven't gotten hardly anything and the baby is due in just a little more than 3 months! :/ I'm really stressssssing. :(

I just studied a bit for my algebra test tomorrow, but I didn't get a chance to study for physics... Hopefully it won't be too hard. :/ Guess all I can do is pray! My hand hurts from writing/straightening my hair. It's really odd. Now I'm just rambling. And listening to my coldplay playlist. ;) LOVE THEM.

I think I may also update on baby names, though I don't really have ANY. I've just tossed them around in my head.

Boys; Bentley, Lyndon, Fletcher, Kieren(sp?), Connor, Benjamin, Hunter, Patrick, Gavin, Xavier, Xander, Raif/Rafe, Cullen, Zane, Colton, Kenai
Girls; Jenna, Sophia, Amelia, Mia, Payslie/Paisley, Abcde(just kidding. ;) ), Malia, Aria, Lorelai, Delilah, Scarlett, Genevieve, Lyra, Lyla/Lila, Anastasia(middle), Abigail(middle), Nyah, Nila, Kiera, Tianna, Nova, Katia/Katya, Juliet. 

I have way more girls names than boys. And notice that I tend to like ___a girls names? ;) Almost all of them end with -a or the -a sound. Or close to it.

Wish me luck on the finals tomorrow, Ty. I LOVE YOU. Foreverrrr.

-SavannahRay.

Finals, winter ball, and Christmas.

Well I have lovely finals this week. :/ I hate them! Tomorrow I just have my spanish test, then my algebra&physics review sessions. Then my algebra&physics finals on Wednesday, history&choir finals Thursday and my speech&english finals Friday. We get out at 11:30 all week. :) I'm excited. It's weird, though. It's like getting out of school before it's even lunch time - odd. But I'm not doing as well in my classes this year so I actually have to study for finals, etc. Blah. I do badly at studying. I never know what to do. Guess now I have to make my vow that I'll do better next semester. 
Winter ball is on Sunday night. I do have a dress, actually. We didn't go out and buy a new one - it was actually my neighbor's prom dress that she's letting me have - she said she never will wear it again, and it fits me like a glove. It's really pretty, and I feel gorgeous in it - which is crazy, for me. I guess it's actually supposed to be a bridal gown? But oh well - it fits and looks good and it's free. ;) Plus it's really pretty, and the detail of flowery-ness on the top is really pretty.

Also, Christmas! I haven't done ANY shopping yet. :/ And I still need to shop for my parents, Sam, Farah, Savita, Alie and Kara. :/ Blahhh. So much to do and there's only 12 days until Christmas. :( I'm SO stressed out. However, I do quite enjoy the lights, etc. If only it would get a bit colder. :)

When the earth is gray and white, I light a fire inside. Extra blanket time. It's lonely in life, designed for two. Yeah, wintertime is when I most miss you. </3 Love you, Ty. I miss you. I wish you were here with me. Christmas just isn't the same without you.

Update. :)

Well I unfortunately haven't written in a while. I've been SO stressed with school, etc. Anyways. I have TONS of homework tonight, and I haven't  even started. :/ Also, I need to choose the song I'm going to sing for the Christmas concert. I'm either doing Where Are You Christmas or So This Is Christmas. I'm not sure which one to do, and I need to decide by tomorrow! :// 
But anyways.
Then all next week I have finals, and I have to study for  those. But we get off at 11:30 every next week and we're on break from December 18th to January 4th. We go back the 5th. So 17 days I think? I'm hoping I can catch up on sleep, etc during the break.


I went to church camp last weekend, and it was awesome. I learned a lot. But it was kind of hard seeing all these places I have memories with Ty. I just tried not to think about it.


And I'm going to the winter ball on the 19th - which I still don't have a dress for. I'm going with this guy named Dimitri. I'm a princess so I have to go. I feel really weird going with someone besides Ty, but Dimitri understands what I'm going through and stuff so he knows it's just as friends. I got to know him well during church camp - he's a good friend of Logan's and came with - and he's a really cool guy. So I'm not feeling too bad about it anymore.
I wish I could have captured the amount of stars there were. Literally trillions of stars. It was absolutely beautiful. 

Update, I guess.

Not exactly sure what I'll be writing about, but I felt like I had to update - so here it goes.

Thanksgiving was nice. For once, it wasn't a crazy affair. Me, my parents, Sam, Farah and Dave, Ty's parents, Ty's sisters Rina and Lily and his brother John. It was nice to actually have it be just a few people - it was less stressful, too. :) I actually didn't eat all that much surprisingly. But I just got full quick! 

I'm 23 weeks now - getting big. :l It's pretty insane how quickly this is going. I feel like March is ages away yet also right around the corner. The baby moves a lot, and kicks. Other people can feel it now. I'm having a lot of problems sleeping but other than that I've been pretty good.

Holidays. :)

Well Farah and Dave are down for Thanksgiving, and they got here last night. I've forgotten how much I've missed my sissyyyy<3
We had a girls day today, and it was pretty fun. We saw Harry Potter, and it was AWESOME, but the ending was so cut offfff. :/ But I knew it would have to be, so it's okay. It's kind of hard to give you closure when you're putting one book into two movies. But it was good. Then we went to Hobby Lobby to look at Christmas stuff and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. :) Their chocolate cake was delicious. I ate a few hours ago and I'm already hungry again. :/
It's nice to be able to talk to her again. She's way more excited about her niece/nephew than I am my own daughter/son. :/ It's awful. But I feel better about things after talking to her. She always puts me in a good mood.
Tomorrow I'm going to be cleaning my room and then my small group at church is going out to dinner together. 
We have the whole week off so I'll probably just be getting ready for the holidays.
We put up the tree today - no decorations yet, but we found a place for it and set it up. It looks really pretty from outside. Too bad it's like, 80 degrees outside. Ruining my Christmas mood! :/ It's not supposed to be this warm in November. Heck, it's almost December!
Anyways.
We're going to my mom's cousin's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to just stay here for once but it's whatever. Can't really do much about it now! 


I'm 22 weeks - it's flying by WAY too fast, and it's not making me all that happy. :/ It's making me super nervous! The lips, eyebrows, and eyelids are becoming more distinct, and he/she is developing tooth buds underneath his/her gums. The eyes have formed, but the irises still lack pigment. I'm starting to get some stretch marks despite moisturizing, etc. I'm pretty big, and I'm now in maternity pants. :/ I have two pair that I searched EVERYWHERE for that were actually decently cute - but they still aren't as cute as my old ones. I miss my miss me jeans. :(
I don't know if this has anything to do with being pregnant, but I've noticed that my hair (which used to fall out ALL the time) isn't really falling out anymore. However, I have to shave pretty much every day now. :/ Other than any of that (plus sore back like crazy!) I'm doing okay. I'm tired all the time, though. I just want to do nothing but sleep. I fall asleep at anything. But also, it's hard to fall asleep. Once I actually fall asleep I'm usually okay, but I sometimes lay in bed for hours just trying to fall asleep and not being able to. Even things that usually work - watching a movie and resting before I go to bed, reading, listening to music. None of that is working! :( 
There's 18 days until my birthday, and I'm very excited. :) 
I do have a few names, by the way.
Here they are;


BOYS::
Rafe Tyler
Cash Tyler 
Peyton Tyler
Forrest Tyler
Hunter Tyler
Bentley Tyler
Gavin Tyler
Milo Tyler
Evan Tyler
Noah Tyler
Callum Tyler


GIRLS;;
Acacia Paisley
Sophia Guinevere
Elena Abigail
Kadence Zipporah
Abigail Zipporah
Adelynn Molly
Molly Setareh
Sela Guinevere
Miah Aislinn
Ava Guinevere

Dear Ty,

I miss you more than ever tonight. I long for your touch. My arms feel empty. I miss you. I want you here. I tremble when I think of you. A part of me is missing. I still cannot accept that you aren't coming back. The finality is absolutely heartbreaking. I want to cry, but I can't. I want someone to hold me, but I want you to be the only one who does. 
It wasn't just some crush, Ty. It wasn't just some fling. 
I would have married you if I'd gotten the chance. You were everything I could have ever dreamed of. You treated me like a princess. You were my refuge in the storm.
I loved you. No, I LOVE you. I still love you. I will always love you.
I want to say that I'll be able to move on someday, but Ty... I don't think I will. I can't explain the feeling of how much I miss you. It's an unbearable ache. I tremble, I cry. It makes me shake. Inside, outside. You were there when I needed you. You were who I needed when I needed it. Your faults, your perfections. They all combined in a perfect, beautiful being. 
I swear to it. I would have married you. You would have been an amazing father. I hate saying would have. I hate that you're gone. I hate all of this. Sometimes I feel like life isn't even worth living. People try to help, try to understand, but they can't, Ty. Nobody can understand what I go through. I look down every day and I'm reminded of you. Part of you lives inside of me. Do you know how hard that is? It's unbearable. I miss you, I want you. I am reminded you every day. Passing the spot where we had our first kiss. Your truck, finally fixed, sits idle in your parents' driveway. They ache, too. 
I want to be with you. If only in my dreams. Why don't you come to me anymore? Why did you have to go? I need you now, most. My heart is broken, and I don't think anything will ever fix it. Dammit, Tyler. Come back to me.
I love you. 
I pray you're in my dreams tonight. 
I'll cry for you tonight.




Savannah Ray.

Update!

I haven't really written a life update lately. School is good; boring as ever, though. I absolutely hate my english teacher, and I despise her class, but I can't switch out now. :/I usually like english, but I dread her class.
Otherwise, school is okay. I'm trying to work hard but I'm finding myself getting behind on homework - especially my physics and APUSH homework. I just don't like homework. :/ I need to start doing it again, though, or it's really going to effect my GPA.
The weather is FINALLY starting to get somewhat colder. It's been in the 60s and rainy, and today it was 70 and sunny. But I think it's supposed to gradually get back up to the 80s again. Only in Houston, I guess!
Plans this weekend? Kind of. My friend Sara is having a party, but I don't think I want to go since it's at her lake house and we'd leave Friday after school and get back Sunday night. Me being pregnant just doesn't really mix with that. So I'll probably hang out with Kara or Savita this weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to the game with Savi. It's far-ish away. I'm hoping for a win.
Therapy is going okay; I had another session thing earlier this week and it wasn't as hard as the first one. Every time I go, though, it gets me back into thinking of nothing but Ty. :/
I honestly feel like I've lost him. I don't remember so much. You'd think that you would remember everything. But after 3 1/2 months, it fades away. I feel awful for saying it, but it's true. I miss him a lot today. I haven't really had a good week, and I know he would have made it better with just one look, one hug, one reassuring word.
So this year we're staying home for Thanksgiving and Christmas - so thankful! I really don't want to travel. I mean, we did just visit family in June, and twice a year is a bit much to take a long trip.
Not a whole lot else to say I guess.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant today - halfway. It's flown by, and I can't believe it's been so long since I found out. It's been a tough journey, but I'm getting better. I feel bad for not having many feelings towards the baby, but I still don't feel warm and fuzzy. I'm tired all the time, I've gained about a million pounds (okay, 13. But it feels like a whole lot!) I've had heartburn - which has never happened to me before. I can't breathe all that well and being comfy while sleeping is pretty much a distant memory.
Baby is about 10.5 oz now, according to BBC. 10 inches long, head to toe. About as long as a banana. You can pretty much tell I'm definitely pregnant now - though I'm not giant or anything. I'm feeling movements, but haven't yet felt that first kick. Should be soon, I think. 


I wish Ty was here to go through this with me.

Dear Ty,

"Yellow, brown and red. The colors change. A chill in the air, football games that we went to. Fall is when I most miss you."

Dear Ty, 

Well here we are. It's almost 3 1/2 months since I last saw you. It seems like 3 1/2 lifetimes. Everything has changed since I saw you last. Seasons are passing. People are changing. Some are moving on. Some are still stuck in the past, when you were here. I'm one of them. 
Dre passed away a little while ago. Logan is falling apart, losing you and now him. I know if you were here you'd know just what to say to him.
I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway through. I can't believe you won't be there when I have the baby, or when he/she takes their first steps or says their first word. I know you would have gone to every ballet performance or football game. I miss you.
I'm feeling distant from you, Ty. I don't know why. I haven't had dreams lately. I haven't been able to picture your eyes or hear your voice. I don't understand why I'm forgetting. I'm sorry. I feel like an awful person because of it.
i love you.
Hope to see you soon.
-Savannah.

The crib?

So I'm tossing up between these three cribs. They're really similar, but then again they're somewhat different. Each of them transitions into toddler beds, I think one has a toddler rail as well? I don't know, at least I have a little while to decide.

 

Dear Ty

I feel like I'm losing you. You're drifting away from me piece by piece. After seeing that video today, I try to replay your voice in my head, but I can't. I can't. I can't remember. How is that even possible? After all the nights I spend replaying your voice in my head over and over, repeating the night we'd had in my head, and then committing it to memory. Ty, how could I forget your voice? What kind of person does that make me? 

I miss you. 

Oh, therapy...

How I dislike you. Why is it that you had to turn my good mood into a totally heartbroken sad one? Why did you make me talk about seeing Ty in that car, all broken and bleeding? I don't want to think about it, but somehow you made me talk about it. :/ 

So yes. I went to therapy today. Like a crazy person! It wasn't that bad and the lady is really sweet, but talking about what happened just made me upset. :/ I hate thinking about him like that, and I hate thinking about those last moments. I miss him, and I will cry myself to sleep tonight.




Anyway. Today, I think, is the first day that I totally and completely feel pregnant. I was sitting in choir, focusing on my breathing to support my sound while sitting, and I put my hand on my stomach like I always do when I focus on my breathing, and just feeling my stomach go in and out, and I don't know. I just felt pregnant. People notice now. They don't look at me and know 100%, but they see the bump and take a double look to make sure they didn't just see things. It's weird, and I know people talk about it. I mean, I'm carrying the last connection to Ty. Just as everyone felt connected to him, I'm sure they now feel connected to me. It's weird, being pregnant. I never ever saw myself in this situation. I miss Ty more than ever, because I just wish that when I walked through the halls, being eyed by other kids, he was by my side holding my hand and making me laugh. 

Another student at my school passed away this Saturday. He was a good friend to Logan, and I'm extremely worried about him now. He's lost two really close friends in the short time of about 2-3 months, and I can't imagine what kind of toll that takes on a person. It's tough. I don't know how to comfort him, when I still need comforting myself. I've been quiet all day today, and even teachers notice. My physics teacher asked if I was okay; Usually I'm talkative and smiling, but today I was just quiet and somber. People would ask if I was okay, but I just do what I always do. Smile and tell them that I stayed up too late last night finishing homework or being on facebook. They smile back, but I know that inside they know how much I hurt. I feel myself drawing more and more inward. I don't even talk much to Savita or Kara or Alie anymore. They ask me, but before I can let it out, that prevalent "I'm okay" just slips out. I don't know why I don't open up. I know that I need to talk, but I just don't want to.

Homecoming/Christmas!

So homecoming week has been very successful. :) It's been really fun! Tomorrow is going to be extra fun, because we've got short 20-25 minute classes and then we have our carnival (gotta help at the choir booth since I'm alto section leader.) and then pep rally. :) Then the game tomorrow night. I have to go in my dress, since I'm on homecoming court. Thank God Alie had a dress that fit me, because I'm not going to the dance and I didn't want to go buy a dress. I have to be there at 6:10 or something, because the pre-game stuff starts at 6:30. And then I'm singing the national anthem with choir. They'll announce the king and queen and stuff, then the game's at 7. Saturday is the parade which I also have do to - ride on the junior one. :/ Don't really want to but that's okay I guess. Then me, my parents, Sam and Kara are going to the air show Sunday. I don't really want to but my parents do so I guess we are. :/ 
Anyways. We got our first two choir songs for our Christmas concert. We're singing Carol of the Bells which is going to be AMAZING for mixed choir for one of the songs, and then for the women's we're doing O Come All Ye Faithful in about a billion parts. It's insanely pretty.
Just want to take this time to say THANK GOD my choir dress is high waisted and flows out and totally will fit the baby bump. And thank God I'll be able to do UIL in April. :) I'm excited about that, I think we can get sweepstakes this year.
I think me, Savita, and this other girl are singing a song together for the Christmas concert but I don't know what yet. Mannnn, I'm already really in Christmas spirit haha. :) 

:)))

Guess what just happened to me?
I felt my baby move. :) 
At 16 weeks 6 days, I've finally felt it.
I was just sitting in my room chilling out, listening to my ipod on my bed and reading my Bible, and BAM! Right there, definite movement, not just gas or ligament twitches. Yeah, I know I'm probably not supposed to feel him/her until 18-20 weeks or so, but I'm 17 weeks tomorrow and that's close enough. It was amazing... Proof there's really something there, you know? I think feeling that and my ultra sound and all that just makes me feel closer to my baby... Those feelings of resentment are definitely drifting to the back of my mind. Though they aren't gone, they're definitely going away. I can't even explain what it felt like. Almost maybe what a butterfly flapping it's wings inside there or a fish swimming around would feel like. That's really random and weird but that's how I'd describe it.
I know if Ty was here, I would have called him right away. 
Instead I told my mom, and though she tried to tell me that it might not have been, I know that smile on her face meant that she feels something for this baby, too. It is her first grandchild. Farah is beyond excited, and she's begging me to find out the gender so she can start buying things and spoiling us. Same with Rina, Ty's sister. Sam even thought my ultra sound was cool. :) 
Homecoming week is going good, despite mid-terms and the PSAT (that was today - no big deal, though.). Today was western/camo day and I will tell you that I looked pretty darn adorable in my dress, boots and camo bandana. :) 
Monday was 80s day, Tuesday was Twin Day, Today was Western/Camo Day, tomorrow is Dress like a superhero/celeb/character day and then Friday is spirit day where the seniors wear their crowns (BK crowns! :) ) and everyone makes shirts of their class color (mine is black this year. Juniors wear black.) 
So then the game is Friday. We should win, but you don't ever know until that clock hits 0.00
Brother's game is tomomorrow.
Farah and Dave are getting married on the official date of November 11, 2011. One whole year, but that's okay. It's a lucky day. :) Finally they decided on one after all the insane date switching... From this fall to next spring to last summer back to next spring and finally now 11/11/11. They're so cute. :') Finally getting married. After dating just about forever.
Ughhh, I have to wear a dress to the game since I'm on homecoming court. :/ I'm not even going to the dance, so I'm just wearing my friend's dress(thank god it fits!).
I'm so big, by the way. I mean, not HUGE but people are noticing. 

DR Appointment.

So on Friday during school I had a doctors appointment. I had my first ultrasound. It was quite an experience... I feel now more than ever, after seeing that little face on the screen that already resembles Ty, that keeping this baby is definitely what I am supposed to be doing. I'm feeling better about this pregnancy and my choice on keeping the baby. I'm even semi-excited? :) So pregnancy is going normal, measurements are on target, I'm actually showing now... It's crazy. I can't believe that I'm getting big already. 

So here's some name pairings I've put together:

Boys;;
Cash Dalton / Cash Dimitri
Callum Tyler
Oliver Ty
Keiran Tyler
Evan Tyler
Forrest Tyler
Hunter Ty
Gavin Tyler
Lyndon Tyler
Benjamin Tyler
John Tyler
Jude Tyler
Max Dimitri
Bentley Tyler
Ross Dimitri
Waylon Tyler
Peyton Dimitri / Peyton Tyler
Owen Dimitri
Lachlan Dimitri
Zane Tyler
Damon Tyler


Girls;;
Acacia Selene
Olivia Rose
Sophia Genevieve
Sela Grace
Molly Zipporah
Delaney Adia
Miah Annalise
Setareh Aislinn
Elena Abigal / Elena Kadence
Elora Jean
Elona Clementine
Ayla Tenley
Abigail Zipporah
Adelyn Zipporah
Paisley Abigail
Chloe Abigail
Hope Zipporah
Zipporah Abigail
Kadence Zipporah
Analyn Guinevere
Guinevere Paisley

Good day turned bad.

So today started out good. Football game days usually are pretty peppy. Got excited for the game, listened to the recording of last night's concert (which was great), aced a quiz, had a test I wasn't ready for moved to Monday. Things were going great. Even at the game, which we won 55-13, I was still in good spirits. 
The thing that got me down was something that should have made me happy. The game was over, and we were leaving the stands. Savita and Alie were with me, and the team did their chant where they jump in a circle and chant "Ty" or "Tyler" and then point/look up. It's sweet, and should leave me feeling better, right?
Wrong. I'd been feeling nauseous all night, and that just really made my heart drop to my stomach and make it worse. I wish so much that I could have gone back to that school, congratulated him on the win and been comforted about my nausea in a big bear hug, and even though he'd have been sweaty and gross, I wouldn't have cared.
So I ran to the bathroom trying to keep my composure, and when I came back out it was time to leave.
So I drove to the school to welcome the team home - like a few other people and I always do - and when the team had changed and was coming out to catch their rides or drive home, they came over to me, asked me how I was, etc, talked about Ty. And honestly, eventually I just lost it. I seriously started sobbing on the curb. Right there, in front of everyone. I wanted to stop and go get in my car, but I just couldn't. I know the team saw, because soon enough Logan was running out to meet me at the curb, and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. I can't even explain how awful it was, to just want nothing at all more than to have Ty be the one to hold me, and know that it was absolutely impossible.
I can't get my emotions out. I try, and I know this blog is filled with emotion, but honestly I can't get my feelings into words. They're just so complex. I still love Ty. I always will, more than anyone. And that scares me. Will I be a single mom forever? Will I ever fall in love again? Do I even want to? Sometimes I don't even want to be alive. I mean, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be, but I don't want to be here. I want to be with Ty.
I miss him. It's all I can say; I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
I would trade anything just for one more day with him. The things I would say, the things we would do. I can't help but thing that he would have brought me saltine crackers, rubbed my back, picked out baby socks with me.
I crave his touch. Nothing else is the same. 
I feel bad that Logan had to deal with me. I probably sat there for about 20 minutes, and then he drove me home in my truck and had someone pick him up, because he was nervous about me being too upset to drive safely. He's trying hard to fill the void Ty left; Not just for me, but for all of us. But it's not at all the same. :/
Ty was someone that was a part of all of us. We each have a memory of a time he spent with us. A small gesture, like one of his winning, world-stopping smiles, or something big, like sharing absolutely every physical connection with him. 
I was lucky to be so close to him. So is it wrong that I want more? Is it selfish that I can't help but beg God for another chance?


Dear Ty, 
I love you.
I hope you hold me in my dreams tonight.
Always, forever and eternally yours,
Savannah Ray.

What I miss about you...

-How you always bought me candles when I was sad or had a bad day. You'd leave them in the weirdest places. In my backpack, purse, under my pillow. Places I didn't even know how you'd gotten them there.
-Knowing when to give me time to cool off after a fight or when I was upset, and when to wrap me in a hug and let me cry in your arms.
-Learning how to make one of those tie blankets for me for our first winter together. 
-The way you'd tell me I was beautiful whether I was wearing a dress, makeup and my hair all done up, or in my sweats with my hair in a mess and no makeup on.
-You'd play your guitar and sing for me when you thought I was asleep. 
-Sitting outside my bedroom door after our only real big fight, playing "She's Everything" on the other side of the door. 
-Helping me study and make up songs to remember things for tests I had. 
-How you'd smile at strangers, help someone pick up their books that most people wouldn't have looked twice at, how you'd sent carnations on Valentine's Day to girls who would never get one. You cared about everyone.
-Pumping up the whole school on pep rally day. 
-Quoting Finding Nemo with me.
-The way your arms fit around me; The way your fingers fit perfectly with mine. 
-Your smell. Even without cologne. Your natural smell. 
-The way you kissed me.
-The way you asked me to homecoming sophomore year; With roses and puzzle pieces. :) 
-The brush of your fingers against my skin.
-Your passion of music.
-Your passion of reaching out to others.
-Your passion of God.
-Your passion of horses<3 like mee.
-Your tore up boots.
-Your button up shirts I liked so much.
-Your ramen.
-Your eyes<3
-Everything about you.

Dear Ty Ty,
please come back to me. 
if only in my dreams.
Love always and forever;
Savannah Ray. 

Dear Ty,

I told your parents yesterday. Their faces, Ty. They are so heartbroken. They miss you so much. 
They're as happy as anyone could be in this situation - and Rina can't wait to spoil the baby rotten. I know you would have been happy, too. Scared, but happy. And in times where I'm feeling alone, I can't stop from thinking that we would have been a happy little family, small and dysfunctional, but a family nonetheless. 
I went into your room. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. Everything was just how you left it. The pictures are still taped onto your mirror. Your pee wee football trophies are still on the bookshelf, your name engraved on the fake gold plates. Your bed is still unmade, your notebook lays open next to your guitar. Your mom said that she can't bear to move anything. It hurt, Ty. To know that you were the last one to sleep in your bed. That your fingers were the last to strum that guitar. It now gathers dust in your room. You wouldn't have ever let that happen; I remember how not many people ever remembered you without your guitar, your letterman, or your football. Your letterman hangs over your chair; It smells like you. Even just your smell sends shivers down my spine. Your things from the crash sit on your dresser in a plastic bag - your class ring, your wallet, your phone, your necklace...
Logan was being tough at first, Ty, but now everyone sees how much he's dying inside. I worry about him. He's in AEP for that fight, and on Saturday night Rina found him drunk, wandering the neighborhood. He's messed up without you, Ty. Your mom told me how she made him come inside to sober up. How he pretended he was fine, but when she turned her back, she knew he was crying.
Apparently I'm depressed now. I feel like a crazy person - I have to go to therapy. I don't want to do it. I don't want to talk about you to a stranger. I hardly even want to talk about you to my own family. 
Guess what? They announced homecoming court today. Guess who's junior princess? I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I really don't. Logan is prince, but you will always be my prince charming. People probably voted because they feel sorry for us - I bet you would have won if you were here. I don't think I'm even going to homecoming this year. I don't really want to dress up while I'm looking fat and disgusting, and while I don't have you by my side. 
I guess that's all I have to say today... People say it gets better every day, but it's total BS.
I know I say this every letter, but I miss how it feels to be kissed by you, how it feels when you hold me and tell me things will be okay. How much I need that right now.


I love you, Ty Ty.
Always,
Savannah Ray.

Telling his parents?

Well today is the day that I've told myself all week that I'll tell his parents I'm pregnant. But is't now almost 6pm, and I can't bring myself to make that call. I'm going to try my best to do it after church. I don't know how I'm going to say it. I have no idea what I'm going to do. 

I wish more than anything that he could be there holding my hand when I tell them. Last night was awful. I was so heartbroken that we lost... But with Logan gone and some other key players injured, it was amazing we even lost by 2 points.

Stepping foot in his house today is going to hurt, and I know that. So many memories are in that house...

Dear Ty,

We're all a wreck. Tomorrow there will be tears. For all of us. I'm telling your parents Sunday... I'm so scared, Ty Ty. I hope you're with me.

I'm listening to our songs before I go to bed. I close my eyes, and I sometimes get shivers. I still remember the feel of your arms around me as we danced under the moonlight that summer night, music blaring from your truck. I remember your smell, and how the breeze seemed to dance around us, the smell of rain in the air. I hope that I dream of you tonight... It's the only thing that keeps me sane. And I need a long, perfect dream. Is it so weird of me to do this? To pretend that you come from heaven, into my dreams, so that it's completely real. Maybe I really am crazy. But haven't I always been?

I found a picture of us in my old purse.. It was stuffed at the bottom, folded and a bit worn. But it's taped onto my mirror now. It's the day we got lost in the woods by the creek, confused on all the paths. The sunlight is coming through the trees perfectly, after you searched forever to find the perfect picture spot. We're both laughing; I'm laughing so hard that my eyes are closed and my head thrown back. You're just smiling your smile that touches your eyes. 

I wish I would have told you more, that I love you. God, do I love you. I don't know that I can love anyone else. Ever. I know you would want me to, but I just can't see how it's possible. I guess I'll just focus on our child, and on school. I bet that would make you proud.

Miss you.
Sav.

September 23, 2010

Today was pretty crazy, in all honesty. There were 4 fights at my school today, which is odd, because usually we don't hardly ever have any!! One was kind of about Ty and me. :/
Somehow, word has gotten out that I'm pregnant. I mean, honestly I don't really care all that much anymore. They would have found out anyway. But someone went and started a rumor that it wasn't Ty's and that I went and slept with some other guy right after he died, so this kid was like "slut, whore" etc, etc, blah blah blah. Me, Savita, and Ty's best friend Logan were walking, and Logan told him to stop, the kid said something and they got into it. Logan busted that kid's face, he has a broken nose. I feel really bad. :/ He's in AEP until Wednesday, and ISS on Thursday and Friday of next week. 
In other news, me and Savita and Alie are going to the game Saturday. I REALLY hope we win!! 
Today I'm 14 weeks. I'm starting to get bigger. Not a prominent bump, but it's just like I'm permanently bloated I guess you could say. I've been a bit nauseous lately but I haven't actually thrown up, thank God. I guess that's all I have to say, I have to go pick up my brother from football practice. Adios.

-Savannah.

Dear Ty,

Today it's been two whole months since the day you passed. It feels like forever ago, yet also like just yesterday. I'm sure Savi, Kara, Alie and Arundhati will be showing up soon enough. Maybe Logan. He's taking it real hard, Ty. He misses you. We've got yet another big game this Saturday. It's senior night, and they're playing a video honoring you, because a lot of people will show up. You've left us all broken hearted, Ty Ty. I love you so much. Today was amazing. We had See You At The Pole. Savi and I all organized it, and we were just expecting a few people, but SO many showed up, Ty! Like, 50/60 people! I know you would have been proud of Savita and me. I'm proud of us. :) Physics sucks, by the way. I don't think I ever told you how awkward it was that first day of school... We had physics together, and when the teacher called your name out, it was literally silence, and I could feel the stares in my direction. Someone ended up calling out "He moved" or something... No one really wanted to say anything. I bet you were laughing up there.
Right now, I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment next week, and I get to hear the heartbeat. It's gonna make it more real, I think. I haven't really felt like this whole pregnancy thing is real, since I'm not showing or anything. But god, my hormones are insane. I watched the new 16&Pregnant commercial, and gosh, did I cry. Mostly because two scenes reminded me of us... You know which I mean. This letter isn't nearly as depressing as the last one, though. I teared up just writing that, bud. I'm watching Teen Mom right now. I know that you thought that show was hilarious. Bet you never thought we'd end up in that situation, huh? Let me tell you, it's a lot worse than it seems on TV, and that's saying something. So I hope you're partying up there with Jesus. 

Love you Ty Ty.
Always,
your Savannah.

Cupcakes and cloudy days.

Two months ago today, Ty and I were in the kitchen of my house, baking cupcakes and singing along to the radio, still in our bathing suits and me my cut offs from coming back from the beach. 

It's a similar day today as it was then; It rained this morning, and now it's sunny. It's been the first semi-nice day in forever, finally getting down from the 90s, and not so humid. Finally a breeze instead of the standstill air. It brings back the memories.
I'm sitting here in that same kitchen, typing with the old laptop he'd tease me about on the kitchen table. My chocolate cupcakes are baking in the oven, and I know my mom is concerned, because she keeps asking me how my day was, or how I'm feeling. She's eying me, and trying to get me to do my physics homework to get my mind off what she knows I'm thinking about. She knows what day it is. I made cupcakes August 21st, too. She's probably thinking I'm crazy, that me making cupcakes on the 21st is going to become a ritual for me. Honestly, it probably will. It makes me feel close to him again.
I still haven't told his parents, though I definitely know I need to. They deserve to know. I just don't really know how to say it.
I'm going to my brother's football game soon, and Kara can't come with, so I'm kind of bummed. :/ But you know, gotta support the brother. 
This week has been insanely busy, and it's just insane!!! I had tons of homework last weekend and yesterday. It's sucked, and this year's curriculum is SO hard. It makes it even harder with this whole situation.
Still no one at school knows I'm pregnant except Savita and Arundhati, luckily. It's so funny how their moms are obsessing over my pregnancy, excited and squealing. You'd think they'd be so disapproving. Savita and her family are some kind of Christian where they are Christian but they wear their saris and such. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's cool. :) Savita's family are all excited to do all their little family traditions with me, since I'm almost like their second daughter. Same with Kara and Alie's parents, each of their parents are like my second parents. So pretty much, it's almost like I have 10 parents. ;) 5 moms, 5 dads. My parents, Savita's parents, Kara's parents, Alie's parents and Ty's parents.
So I'm going to stop rambling.
I'm feeling kind of nauseous right now, I'm really hoping all the morning sickness that hasn't happened yet isn't about to dawn on me all at one moment. :/ 
Off to go get ready for the game. 

-Savannah.

About Moi.

My name is Savannah Ray, and I was born on December 8, 1993. I'm sixteen years old, and I'm a junior in high school. I'll be graduating in 2012. I have two siblings. My older sister Farah is 19, and she's engaged to be married sometime next year. I also have a younger brother named Sam, who's 14. He's a freshman in high school, and is very involved in sports. I myself am involved in choir and PALs, as well as a spirit group for the sports teams. I actually like school, and maintain A's in my regular classes, and mid B's to the occasional low A in AP classes. I do, however, really hate homework, and I'm a really bad procrastinator. I have four best friends. My Hindi girlies, Savita and Arundhati, and my white chicks, Kara and Alie. I love to cook, and music is my passion. I sing, play piano, and am teaching myself guitar. I drive a 4 door red Ford F-150, and I love it. It's my baby. :) I have a full sized bed, and God help who I marry, because I'm not so great at sharing a bed. I am a Christian, and some of my favorite verses are as follows: Psalm 139, Isaiah 53, John 13: 33-35, Romans 8: 38-39, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Colossians 1: 15-20 and Colossians 4: 5-6. I love nature, and I feel really connected to it. On July 22, 2010 my life changed forever. My boyfriend Tyler was killed in a car accident. It wasn't his fault. He was only 16. He would have turned 17 on October 11th. We had been going out for 11 months, our one year anniversary August 12, 2010. I miss him more than anything. I miss his smile, I miss his laugh and his kiss. I miss his smell, I miss his eyes. I miss absolutely everything about him. In mid August, I found out I was pregnant. That turned my already shaken up world totally upside down. Ty would never meet his child, never hold him or her. Though I have my family and friends to help me, when it gets tough, I just think about how he could have made it better. 
So I guess I'll be going at this alone, raising a child at sixteen. I'm scared beyond belief, and though I crave Ty's embrace at night, I'll just have to do without.
This will be my outlet, I guess. Vents, updates, etc. For random people, for friends, for family, for anyone, really. For myself. For Ty. For this baby. I just hope that it all works out.