I suppose time has just gotten away from me. I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a year and a half. This blog used to sustain me, it really helped me sort my feelings out. It's crazy to look back and read all of these and see how utterly broken I was. It's heartbreaking, but at the same time it's amazing, to see how far I've come and all.
I suppose I'll start my update from the last time y'all heard from me.
I graduated from high school on June 1st, 2012. Nothing can describe the feeling I had as I walked across that stage and got my diploma. I feel so accomplished and so proud that, despite having a baby at home to take care of, I graduated with a good ranking in my class, on time, got to walk, etc. Few times in my life have I ever felt so proud of myself. It was also hard, though, to not have Ty graduating with us. Harder than I thought it would be. It broke my heart, to see his parents in the stands watching us graduate, and knowing that they should have been celebrating their son's future, too.
After graduation, I went to a local community/junior college and worked my butt off to save up money. I'm happy to say that I was accepted to my dream school and am moving there in just a few short days. It's crazy to think about, and I'm terrified but excited all at once. It's going to be such a big change not to have family around, especially since I have relied on them so much since Ty was born.
Logan and I are in a relationship. It's been a year now. It was hard to do long distance but it's all worked out and now we'll be at the same college and living really close to each other. Our relationship has progressed slowly but surely, and I'm finally starting to feel truly happy with him. We've been through a lot together, and he completely respects my feelings and the boundaries I needed. It's hard to try and love again, especially when part of my heart still belongs to Ty. Sometimes I wish we had just broken up - at least then there would have been closure. I try not to dwell on it, though.
I've also been pregnant since you last heard from me. Logan was the father. It was a one time thing, very abrupt and unexpected and I didn't know how to feel about it. And then I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, angry, brokenhearted, guilty... I didn't want that baby. I considered abortion for a while but decided against it. I miscarried a few days after I graduated high school. It broke me. I felt SO guilty - I felt like since I hadn't wanted the baby, I was punished and it was taken away. I still grieve for that baby, but yet I'm also glad I had the miscarriage in a way. I don't think I would be where I am now if I had a 7 month old right now... I don't think I could have done it. Maybe I'm terrible for thinking that, but I can't help but think that I never would have been able to save so much money and get a good enough GPA to transfer.
Grief is a funny thing. It consumes you, it sets you free, it breaks you, it heals you. It passes through you with periods of lulls and periods of raging, terrible, unforgiving grief. Some say it gets better with time, but I haven't really found that to be true. You just find a way to bury it inside a little farther, make your mask a little less see through, be a little stronger for those who need you.
Ty is almost 2 and a half now. I can't believe how big and strong and smart my little boy is becoming. He is the spitting image of his father, and that fact both heals me and breaks me into a million tiny pieces all at once. I have a picture of Ty in his room, and I do my best to make sure he knows who he is. Once he pointed at the picture and said "daddy." I held it together until I left the room. It's things like that that kill me. Sometimes I wonder if Ty knows about his son. He never even got to know I was pregnant before he died... I feel like he does know, that he sees and is looking over him every moment.
As I said before, I'm moving in a few days. I'm SO anxious and scared, and I'm just caught up in thinking about how much everything is going to change - not seeing my parents everyday, being far from Ty's parents, too... It's just weird. I know I'll have Logan, and Ty's sister Rina also goes to the university I'm going to, so I'll have her for support, but I'm going to miss my parents SO much... And so will Ty. He's going to miss all of his grandparents, and his uncles and aunts. I really hope he copes well. I also found out that I'm going to be an aunt - my sister Farah is finally pregnant! Her and Dave have been trying for a baby for so long... She's due in October and is having TWINS - a boy and a girl. I'm so elated for her and I can't wait to be an aunt!
Things are still hard, but I get through it. I'm so much happier than I was before - I've finally learned how to balance my sadness with my happiness. I don't think I will ever be fully healed, but I have faith that it will get a little easier. My son gives me my strength. I never thought that motherhood would call on me so strongly. Everything I do is for him. Everything. Through all of this, he is the one thing that I am so blessed to have.
