My son is one year old. Where the heck did time go? He's walking, says a few words, and he intimidates EVERYTHING! I can't believe a year ago I had just brought home a newborn. I feel like a completely different person than I was then! I was so broken. Honestly, I still feel really broken, but just not as deep, I guess. Seeing my son smile and laugh and play just makes all the bad things in the world disappear. I love him so much, it's impossible to describe. I wish all the time that Ty could see him. I know he'd be so proud of our son and I think he would be of me, too. I feel him sometimes. Sometimes it's the breeze coming in through the window when I'm rocking Ty to sleep. Sometimes it's the sun on my face after days of clouds. Today, it was a random bluebonnet growing in the middle of a sidewalk. I know he's watching over us, and i know he's always with me. I've thought a lot of what it will be like for little Ty, growing up without a father. As he reaches all these milestones - first steps, first words, first birthday - I can't imagine what he'll feel when he scores his first touchdown or makes his first A on a test he studied really hard for. I can't imagine what he'll feel when he graduates, or when he gets married or has his own children, all without the guidence of his father. I hope that I can convey to him what a wonderful man he was. I hope he can grow to know him in his own way, in any way.
I will be graduating on June 1st. I can't believe that my senior year is almost over! It was nothing like I expected it to be, but not necessarily in all bad ways. I'm so proud that I'm graduating... I can't even explain! Besides having my son, it's probably the most proud I've ever been of anything. I'm number 104, which is about top 15%, which I'm really proud about considering the fact that I have a kid and considering all the REALLY smart kids that go to my school... I applied to a few colleges and got into all of them, but after really really thinking about it, I decided to just go to the junior college by me for at least the first year so that I can work and save some money to move out. I don't really feel ready to move away from home yet, and I don't think I would survive well without the help of my parents to watch Ty while I go to school. Plus going to a junior college will be SO much less expensive right now, and I really don't want to be in debt forever. Hopefully after my freshman or sophomore year I'll be in a better place and be able to move out - though I really don't think I'd go far. Maybe A&M or Sam Houston, UTSA would be pushing it. I don't want to move too far away from my family. But if I went to A&M or Sam Houston, I'd be SUPER close to my sister and her husband, which would be great. Farah loves babysitting Ty, so that could be a big help, too.
And Logan. I haven't talked about him much on this blog, but he was Ty's BEST friend. Since they were in diapers. Long story short, our relationship is complicated. We're kind of together, but kind of not. I love him, but I'm not sure in what way I'm comfortable with loving him. And he deserves someone that does know. He's a great person, a great man, and he deserves someone who can love him back with everything she has. And I just can't give that right now. He's been so good to me since Ty died - and he was a great friend before that - and I've done nothing but let him down. In a perfect world, I would love him back. I want to love him back. But I'm not ready to love again. I'm just not. So in August, he'll go off to college and I'll be here, and I don't know what will happen. Somewhere inside me, I hope that he'll wait for me, but I don't expect him to realistically. He deserves to be happy, and I won't blame him if he finds someone else.
So that's all for now... I have been terrible at updating this blog, and I hope ya'll can forgive me, if anyone even visits this anymore!
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