Update, I guess.

Not exactly sure what I'll be writing about, but I felt like I had to update - so here it goes.

Thanksgiving was nice. For once, it wasn't a crazy affair. Me, my parents, Sam, Farah and Dave, Ty's parents, Ty's sisters Rina and Lily and his brother John. It was nice to actually have it be just a few people - it was less stressful, too. :) I actually didn't eat all that much surprisingly. But I just got full quick! 

I'm 23 weeks now - getting big. :l It's pretty insane how quickly this is going. I feel like March is ages away yet also right around the corner. The baby moves a lot, and kicks. Other people can feel it now. I'm having a lot of problems sleeping but other than that I've been pretty good.

Holidays. :)

Well Farah and Dave are down for Thanksgiving, and they got here last night. I've forgotten how much I've missed my sissyyyy<3
We had a girls day today, and it was pretty fun. We saw Harry Potter, and it was AWESOME, but the ending was so cut offfff. :/ But I knew it would have to be, so it's okay. It's kind of hard to give you closure when you're putting one book into two movies. But it was good. Then we went to Hobby Lobby to look at Christmas stuff and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. :) Their chocolate cake was delicious. I ate a few hours ago and I'm already hungry again. :/
It's nice to be able to talk to her again. She's way more excited about her niece/nephew than I am my own daughter/son. :/ It's awful. But I feel better about things after talking to her. She always puts me in a good mood.
Tomorrow I'm going to be cleaning my room and then my small group at church is going out to dinner together. 
We have the whole week off so I'll probably just be getting ready for the holidays.
We put up the tree today - no decorations yet, but we found a place for it and set it up. It looks really pretty from outside. Too bad it's like, 80 degrees outside. Ruining my Christmas mood! :/ It's not supposed to be this warm in November. Heck, it's almost December!
Anyways.
We're going to my mom's cousin's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to just stay here for once but it's whatever. Can't really do much about it now! 


I'm 22 weeks - it's flying by WAY too fast, and it's not making me all that happy. :/ It's making me super nervous! The lips, eyebrows, and eyelids are becoming more distinct, and he/she is developing tooth buds underneath his/her gums. The eyes have formed, but the irises still lack pigment. I'm starting to get some stretch marks despite moisturizing, etc. I'm pretty big, and I'm now in maternity pants. :/ I have two pair that I searched EVERYWHERE for that were actually decently cute - but they still aren't as cute as my old ones. I miss my miss me jeans. :(
I don't know if this has anything to do with being pregnant, but I've noticed that my hair (which used to fall out ALL the time) isn't really falling out anymore. However, I have to shave pretty much every day now. :/ Other than any of that (plus sore back like crazy!) I'm doing okay. I'm tired all the time, though. I just want to do nothing but sleep. I fall asleep at anything. But also, it's hard to fall asleep. Once I actually fall asleep I'm usually okay, but I sometimes lay in bed for hours just trying to fall asleep and not being able to. Even things that usually work - watching a movie and resting before I go to bed, reading, listening to music. None of that is working! :( 
There's 18 days until my birthday, and I'm very excited. :) 
I do have a few names, by the way.
Here they are;


BOYS::
Rafe Tyler
Cash Tyler 
Peyton Tyler
Forrest Tyler
Hunter Tyler
Bentley Tyler
Gavin Tyler
Milo Tyler
Evan Tyler
Noah Tyler
Callum Tyler


GIRLS;;
Acacia Paisley
Sophia Guinevere
Elena Abigail
Kadence Zipporah
Abigail Zipporah
Adelynn Molly
Molly Setareh
Sela Guinevere
Miah Aislinn
Ava Guinevere

Dear Ty,

I miss you more than ever tonight. I long for your touch. My arms feel empty. I miss you. I want you here. I tremble when I think of you. A part of me is missing. I still cannot accept that you aren't coming back. The finality is absolutely heartbreaking. I want to cry, but I can't. I want someone to hold me, but I want you to be the only one who does. 
It wasn't just some crush, Ty. It wasn't just some fling. 
I would have married you if I'd gotten the chance. You were everything I could have ever dreamed of. You treated me like a princess. You were my refuge in the storm.
I loved you. No, I LOVE you. I still love you. I will always love you.
I want to say that I'll be able to move on someday, but Ty... I don't think I will. I can't explain the feeling of how much I miss you. It's an unbearable ache. I tremble, I cry. It makes me shake. Inside, outside. You were there when I needed you. You were who I needed when I needed it. Your faults, your perfections. They all combined in a perfect, beautiful being. 
I swear to it. I would have married you. You would have been an amazing father. I hate saying would have. I hate that you're gone. I hate all of this. Sometimes I feel like life isn't even worth living. People try to help, try to understand, but they can't, Ty. Nobody can understand what I go through. I look down every day and I'm reminded of you. Part of you lives inside of me. Do you know how hard that is? It's unbearable. I miss you, I want you. I am reminded you every day. Passing the spot where we had our first kiss. Your truck, finally fixed, sits idle in your parents' driveway. They ache, too. 
I want to be with you. If only in my dreams. Why don't you come to me anymore? Why did you have to go? I need you now, most. My heart is broken, and I don't think anything will ever fix it. Dammit, Tyler. Come back to me.
I love you. 
I pray you're in my dreams tonight. 
I'll cry for you tonight.




Savannah Ray.

Update!

I haven't really written a life update lately. School is good; boring as ever, though. I absolutely hate my english teacher, and I despise her class, but I can't switch out now. :/I usually like english, but I dread her class.
Otherwise, school is okay. I'm trying to work hard but I'm finding myself getting behind on homework - especially my physics and APUSH homework. I just don't like homework. :/ I need to start doing it again, though, or it's really going to effect my GPA.
The weather is FINALLY starting to get somewhat colder. It's been in the 60s and rainy, and today it was 70 and sunny. But I think it's supposed to gradually get back up to the 80s again. Only in Houston, I guess!
Plans this weekend? Kind of. My friend Sara is having a party, but I don't think I want to go since it's at her lake house and we'd leave Friday after school and get back Sunday night. Me being pregnant just doesn't really mix with that. So I'll probably hang out with Kara or Savita this weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to the game with Savi. It's far-ish away. I'm hoping for a win.
Therapy is going okay; I had another session thing earlier this week and it wasn't as hard as the first one. Every time I go, though, it gets me back into thinking of nothing but Ty. :/
I honestly feel like I've lost him. I don't remember so much. You'd think that you would remember everything. But after 3 1/2 months, it fades away. I feel awful for saying it, but it's true. I miss him a lot today. I haven't really had a good week, and I know he would have made it better with just one look, one hug, one reassuring word.
So this year we're staying home for Thanksgiving and Christmas - so thankful! I really don't want to travel. I mean, we did just visit family in June, and twice a year is a bit much to take a long trip.
Not a whole lot else to say I guess.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant today - halfway. It's flown by, and I can't believe it's been so long since I found out. It's been a tough journey, but I'm getting better. I feel bad for not having many feelings towards the baby, but I still don't feel warm and fuzzy. I'm tired all the time, I've gained about a million pounds (okay, 13. But it feels like a whole lot!) I've had heartburn - which has never happened to me before. I can't breathe all that well and being comfy while sleeping is pretty much a distant memory.
Baby is about 10.5 oz now, according to BBC. 10 inches long, head to toe. About as long as a banana. You can pretty much tell I'm definitely pregnant now - though I'm not giant or anything. I'm feeling movements, but haven't yet felt that first kick. Should be soon, I think. 


I wish Ty was here to go through this with me.

Dear Ty,

"Yellow, brown and red. The colors change. A chill in the air, football games that we went to. Fall is when I most miss you."

Dear Ty, 

Well here we are. It's almost 3 1/2 months since I last saw you. It seems like 3 1/2 lifetimes. Everything has changed since I saw you last. Seasons are passing. People are changing. Some are moving on. Some are still stuck in the past, when you were here. I'm one of them. 
Dre passed away a little while ago. Logan is falling apart, losing you and now him. I know if you were here you'd know just what to say to him.
I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway through. I can't believe you won't be there when I have the baby, or when he/she takes their first steps or says their first word. I know you would have gone to every ballet performance or football game. I miss you.
I'm feeling distant from you, Ty. I don't know why. I haven't had dreams lately. I haven't been able to picture your eyes or hear your voice. I don't understand why I'm forgetting. I'm sorry. I feel like an awful person because of it.
i love you.
Hope to see you soon.
-Savannah.