Yesterday was one year since you passed away. It's odd to think that it's been one whole year. It felt like a whole lifetime. I'm trying to think of what I would say to you if you came back. But honestly, I've said it all. I will ALWAYS miss and love you so much.
Our son is beautiful. He looks JUST like you, Ty. Like, I'm not sure if he got any of my genes, haha. :) He's a lucky kid<3 I wish you could have met him. I know you would have been such an amazing dad. And I know he would have loved you so much. I know you're looking down on us every day, and I hope you're proud of me. I've tried so hard to do all the right things. And I think now, that's not dwelling on the past. So this will be my last letter to you. It's somewhat bittersweet, but I know that to move on from this part in my life, it's what I have to do. You will always be in my heart. And you will live on through me, and through little Ty. I know you are always with us.
Your family is doing wonderfully. They miss you like crazy - we all do - but they're finally happy again. It's your memory that made us all happy again, and the realization that we're living the rest of our lives for you. And sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves won't honor you. So we're all going to live our lives in honor of you. And I hope that we make you proud.
See you someday, my love.
Always and forever yours,
Savannah Ray.
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
It's been a long time!
Well ya'll, I know it's been quite a while since I last posted. A lot has happened! Ty is now 4 months old! Every day with him is such an absolute joy and I feel so absolutely blessed to have him in my life. He can roll over and bear weight on his legs when I hold him up. He smiles and laughs ALL the time, and it makes my day every single time. They totally melt my heart every single time. I'll be a senior this fall and plan to try as hard as I can in school, get the best grades I can, be a good mother for my little boy and have fun for me.
On Friday, it will be a year since Ty passed away. Every day this past year has been a complete struggle, so hard to get through, 24/7. He's my first thought every morning, my last before I sleep, and even in my dreams, he's still there. He'll always be with me, and I will always love him. People say that with time the pain goes away, but that's not true. I always feel that pain. But as time goes on, I learn how to deal with it and not let it effect me and live in a way that would have made him proud and happy. I'm at such a different place than I was long ago. And it's still so hard and I still miss him so much, but I'm happy. I'm happy with our son, I'm happy that I have our son as part of him. I really think that God blessed me with little Ty for that reason. It's been such a journey and it's nowhere near over, but I think that this year mark is going to be a start to a new chapter, one filled with hope and a whole lot of life. I will live for him. Every day, I will live for him. And I've made a promise for him and for my son to do everything that he would have wanted to do, to honor him. Raising a child, traveling, spending time with family and friends, having fun, helping others, and maybe even getting married one day. I want to live a life that will make my son proud one day when he looks back at everything I went through. I want to live a life to honor someone who still had a whole lot more life to live. I want a live a life to make myself happy. And I vow from now on not to let myself have all thsoe "what if"s. Because Ty is gone, and there's nothing I can to about it except live for him, in honor of him. And that's what I plan to do.
Love,
Savannah.
Much love to my two beautiful, amazing Tys who light up my life every day, two mothers who never gave up on me, to my friends who never left me, and to one who always, ALWAYS is there for me. You are all more precious to me than I can ever even try to put into words, and I thank you all so much.
On Friday, it will be a year since Ty passed away. Every day this past year has been a complete struggle, so hard to get through, 24/7. He's my first thought every morning, my last before I sleep, and even in my dreams, he's still there. He'll always be with me, and I will always love him. People say that with time the pain goes away, but that's not true. I always feel that pain. But as time goes on, I learn how to deal with it and not let it effect me and live in a way that would have made him proud and happy. I'm at such a different place than I was long ago. And it's still so hard and I still miss him so much, but I'm happy. I'm happy with our son, I'm happy that I have our son as part of him. I really think that God blessed me with little Ty for that reason. It's been such a journey and it's nowhere near over, but I think that this year mark is going to be a start to a new chapter, one filled with hope and a whole lot of life. I will live for him. Every day, I will live for him. And I've made a promise for him and for my son to do everything that he would have wanted to do, to honor him. Raising a child, traveling, spending time with family and friends, having fun, helping others, and maybe even getting married one day. I want to live a life that will make my son proud one day when he looks back at everything I went through. I want to live a life to honor someone who still had a whole lot more life to live. I want a live a life to make myself happy. And I vow from now on not to let myself have all thsoe "what if"s. Because Ty is gone, and there's nothing I can to about it except live for him, in honor of him. And that's what I plan to do.
Love,
Savannah.
Much love to my two beautiful, amazing Tys who light up my life every day, two mothers who never gave up on me, to my friends who never left me, and to one who always, ALWAYS is there for me. You are all more precious to me than I can ever even try to put into words, and I thank you all so much.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I'm a mommy. :)
Tyler Cash, named after his daddy, was born March 13th at 4:05pm, after 15 hours of labor. Weighed 8lbs, 3oz and measured 21 inches.
I couldn't sleep on the night of the 12th/13th, and I was up at probably midnight or so. I was having A LOT of Braxton Hicks, and they were pretty strong. Some of them I kind of had to breathe through. I was on the computer, just messing around and then decided to try and go back to sleep. I STILL couldn't, and my nose was stuffed up so I thought I'd take a shower to clear up my sinuses and just feel more clean. Just as I was about to get out, my water broke. It was kind of one big gush, but then trickled after the initial gush, which I didn't expect. I went and told my mom, and we headed to the hospital. When we got there, I was 4 cm dilated, 100% effaced. I fell asleep a bit later, and when I woke up it was probably around 6am, after sleeping for about an hour. My mom had called my sister and told her to come, and also let my best friends know that I was in labor. Farah and Dave got there around 9am. I was about 6cm by then, and the contractions started getting much stronger. They offered me the epidural, but I decided to hold off on it for now. It was hard to get through each contraction, but once I kind of developed a way to breathe through it that worked, it was surprisingly manageable. Things just kind of progressed until about 2:30pm, when I was 8cm. That's when things got really hard. The contractions were AWFUL, and I even said that I just wanted a c-section. But after a short pep talk from my mom and Farah, I kind of got that extra boost. Around 3:30, I was 10cm and they started preparing for the birth. My dad, Dave and my brother left the room (I just wanted my mom and Farah there) and I started pushing. Once I got the hang of that, I kind of just put my mind set on the baby being born and not the pain, and it worked. Ty was born at 4:05pm. When they put him in my arms, I just started crying. It was just surreal, crazy, amazing all at once. And it made me miss Ty A LOT. Through the whole thing, it was just hard because I so wished that he was there. But he wasn't, and couldn't be. And that was the hardest thing to get through. It was more painful than the contractions or any other labor pain.
But all in all, I'm proud of coming so far. I know that Ty is always with us, and maybe it's time for me to move on. I know I'll never love anyone as much as I loved him. I know that I will always love him. He'll always be in my thoughts and my mind, and my sight. Because of little Ty, and just because I couldn't bear to let him go completely. But it's time that I stop living in the past, wishing Ty would come back, and start living for little Ty and myself. Because that's what Ty would have wanted.
I couldn't sleep on the night of the 12th/13th, and I was up at probably midnight or so. I was having A LOT of Braxton Hicks, and they were pretty strong. Some of them I kind of had to breathe through. I was on the computer, just messing around and then decided to try and go back to sleep. I STILL couldn't, and my nose was stuffed up so I thought I'd take a shower to clear up my sinuses and just feel more clean. Just as I was about to get out, my water broke. It was kind of one big gush, but then trickled after the initial gush, which I didn't expect. I went and told my mom, and we headed to the hospital. When we got there, I was 4 cm dilated, 100% effaced. I fell asleep a bit later, and when I woke up it was probably around 6am, after sleeping for about an hour. My mom had called my sister and told her to come, and also let my best friends know that I was in labor. Farah and Dave got there around 9am. I was about 6cm by then, and the contractions started getting much stronger. They offered me the epidural, but I decided to hold off on it for now. It was hard to get through each contraction, but once I kind of developed a way to breathe through it that worked, it was surprisingly manageable. Things just kind of progressed until about 2:30pm, when I was 8cm. That's when things got really hard. The contractions were AWFUL, and I even said that I just wanted a c-section. But after a short pep talk from my mom and Farah, I kind of got that extra boost. Around 3:30, I was 10cm and they started preparing for the birth. My dad, Dave and my brother left the room (I just wanted my mom and Farah there) and I started pushing. Once I got the hang of that, I kind of just put my mind set on the baby being born and not the pain, and it worked. Ty was born at 4:05pm. When they put him in my arms, I just started crying. It was just surreal, crazy, amazing all at once. And it made me miss Ty A LOT. Through the whole thing, it was just hard because I so wished that he was there. But he wasn't, and couldn't be. And that was the hardest thing to get through. It was more painful than the contractions or any other labor pain.
But all in all, I'm proud of coming so far. I know that Ty is always with us, and maybe it's time for me to move on. I know I'll never love anyone as much as I loved him. I know that I will always love him. He'll always be in my thoughts and my mind, and my sight. Because of little Ty, and just because I couldn't bear to let him go completely. But it's time that I stop living in the past, wishing Ty would come back, and start living for little Ty and myself. Because that's what Ty would have wanted.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Seven whole months.
Can you believe it's been that long, Ty? Seven months since you've been gone. But you know, it feels like two completely different lifetimes. Before the accident and after the accident. The two different people I've been. The two different eras.
I'm 36 weeks now, Ty. 37 weeks soon. Now that has gone fast. Isn't it funny? It seems like it's been years since I've seen you, but these months of pregnancy have flown by like they were nine days instead of nine months. I miss you, bud. I wish you could be here to feel every kick, laugh at all my craziness. I seriously can't stop thinking of all those "what if"s and those "what would you be doing if you were here"s. If you see someone on TV lose a significant other, you feel bad for them. Say you can't imagine what they have to go through. But the thing is, you really can't. Even if you try to imagine it or be empathetic, you truly have no idea whatsoever unless you're in the situation. I wish I wasn't. I wish I only had to sympathize and "not be able to imagine" what it would be like. I wish you'd be able to hold your child. I wish you'd be able to encourage me when I'm upset. I wish you were here to go through this with me. But why even wish anymore? There's no use. It does nothing. Nothing but shatter my already broken heart.
It's impossible to move on. Even though people think I have, I haven't. I still lay in bed at night and think about you. I ache for you. I cry for you. But like I said - it doesn't do much. I just miss you. A LOT. Keep staying in my dreams<3 I live for them. I love you and miss you.
Always,
Savannah.
I'm 36 weeks now, Ty. 37 weeks soon. Now that has gone fast. Isn't it funny? It seems like it's been years since I've seen you, but these months of pregnancy have flown by like they were nine days instead of nine months. I miss you, bud. I wish you could be here to feel every kick, laugh at all my craziness. I seriously can't stop thinking of all those "what if"s and those "what would you be doing if you were here"s. If you see someone on TV lose a significant other, you feel bad for them. Say you can't imagine what they have to go through. But the thing is, you really can't. Even if you try to imagine it or be empathetic, you truly have no idea whatsoever unless you're in the situation. I wish I wasn't. I wish I only had to sympathize and "not be able to imagine" what it would be like. I wish you'd be able to hold your child. I wish you'd be able to encourage me when I'm upset. I wish you were here to go through this with me. But why even wish anymore? There's no use. It does nothing. Nothing but shatter my already broken heart.
It's impossible to move on. Even though people think I have, I haven't. I still lay in bed at night and think about you. I ache for you. I cry for you. But like I said - it doesn't do much. I just miss you. A LOT. Keep staying in my dreams<3 I live for them. I love you and miss you.
Always,
Savannah.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Dear Ty,
"When the earth is grey and white, I light a fire inside - extra blanket time. It's lonely in life, designed for two. Yeah, winter time is when I most miss you."
"Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim I know is gonna fit me like a friend. Or some radio song, you can't help but sing along, wishing they'd spin it over and over again. Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive, smell of rain on a summer night - Anything that brings a little more comfort my way. But sometimes, there's those times, it's gotta be you. I keep telling myself I'm moving on, but I'm stumbling. Believing my heart was strong enough, and now I'm wandering. But I take that leads me away just circles back to your door..."
"The days are cold, living without you. The nights are long, I'm growing older. I miss the days of old, thinking about you... You may be gone, but you're never over."
It's been a while. I'm sorry for that. It just gets harder and harder to write these. I don't really know why. I guess it's just hard to be reminded of you every day when I wake up, with our baby inside me. I feel like it's just impossible to tell you how I feel. Being without you... It's unbearable. My life is so different compared to when you were still here. Everything has changed. Most people have pretty much moved on. I've pretended to, but you know me. I hold on to things for far too long. I just hate that I have to do this without you, and think of all those little things you would have done for me and the baby. And how excited you would have been, despite our age and our setbacks. I can't quit thinking about those what-ifs. I keep telling myself that I'm going to move on, but it's impossible. Completely. You will always be there, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. I'm so scared about being a mom, and being a mom without you. What I've give to see you again... I'd say this all sucks, but that is the biggest understatement that could ever be come up with. I just miss of you so much. Everything reminds me of you, I see you in everything. I feel like all I can do is dream of you. So all I do is sleep. I know I need to let go, but I don't want to. I can't. I just wish I would have called you five minutes earlier, I wish I would have driven myself, I wish you wouldn't have picked up that phone. I wish you were here. I love you and miss you, Ty Ty<3
Forever yours,
Savannah Ray.
"Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim I know is gonna fit me like a friend. Or some radio song, you can't help but sing along, wishing they'd spin it over and over again. Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive, smell of rain on a summer night - Anything that brings a little more comfort my way. But sometimes, there's those times, it's gotta be you. I keep telling myself I'm moving on, but I'm stumbling. Believing my heart was strong enough, and now I'm wandering. But I take that leads me away just circles back to your door..."
"The days are cold, living without you. The nights are long, I'm growing older. I miss the days of old, thinking about you... You may be gone, but you're never over."
It's been a while. I'm sorry for that. It just gets harder and harder to write these. I don't really know why. I guess it's just hard to be reminded of you every day when I wake up, with our baby inside me. I feel like it's just impossible to tell you how I feel. Being without you... It's unbearable. My life is so different compared to when you were still here. Everything has changed. Most people have pretty much moved on. I've pretended to, but you know me. I hold on to things for far too long. I just hate that I have to do this without you, and think of all those little things you would have done for me and the baby. And how excited you would have been, despite our age and our setbacks. I can't quit thinking about those what-ifs. I keep telling myself that I'm going to move on, but it's impossible. Completely. You will always be there, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. I'm so scared about being a mom, and being a mom without you. What I've give to see you again... I'd say this all sucks, but that is the biggest understatement that could ever be come up with. I just miss of you so much. Everything reminds me of you, I see you in everything. I feel like all I can do is dream of you. So all I do is sleep. I know I need to let go, but I don't want to. I can't. I just wish I would have called you five minutes earlier, I wish I would have driven myself, I wish you wouldn't have picked up that phone. I wish you were here. I love you and miss you, Ty Ty<3
Forever yours,
Savannah Ray.
Update!
Well it's been too long since I've last written here. Honestly there hasn't been too much to write about. School is going well. I'm keeping my grades up and I got my GPA and my class rank and they're about where I want them to be for now. I'm 34 weeks now and it's going by so fast. I can't believe I'm going to be a mom in no more than 6 weeks. I'm clueless on names, but otherwise I'm pretty prepared. The room is ready, most of his/her things are bought. I think it's a boy, but I have no idea why. I'm starting to have more and more sleepless nights and it's harder to get comfortable. I'm also eating like a pig, haha. I don't think there's much else to report! So until next time,
Savannah.
Savannah.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Long time no post. :)
Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been pretty busy!
Things on this end are okay.
I've been missing Ty REAL bad lately. I just feel like this ache and this hurt isn't ever going to go away, and I feel like I'm never going to heal. It's been almost half a year... Feels like forever. I just miss him. People are slowly forgetting. Maybe not forgetting, but they're letting it go maybe. Moving on. I just can't. It's hard when you wake up and look in the mirror and are instantly reminded of seeing the person you love die in front of you, then carrying their baby.
The baby is really really active now! Kicking, moving. I'm breathless a lot and really exhausted. And my back feels like it's cut in half sometimes. And my feet are pretty swollen. I have like, one pair of shoes that is comfortable. They all fit, but only one is really comfortable. I've been in maternity pants for a while, but I can still pull off my old shirts and haven't had to buy all too many maternity shirts.
I'm starting to think about getting the baby's room ready. I think I might do green. And then if it's a girl, add some pink stuff. And if it's a boy, add blue or just keep it green and add boy stuff.
We're gonna paint it this weekend once we decide on a color. I think I'm going to find out the sex in a few weeks so I can buy stuff. I don't want to buy all neutral stuff, haha.
Well that's all for now. I'll try to update more often.
Things on this end are okay.
I've been missing Ty REAL bad lately. I just feel like this ache and this hurt isn't ever going to go away, and I feel like I'm never going to heal. It's been almost half a year... Feels like forever. I just miss him. People are slowly forgetting. Maybe not forgetting, but they're letting it go maybe. Moving on. I just can't. It's hard when you wake up and look in the mirror and are instantly reminded of seeing the person you love die in front of you, then carrying their baby.
The baby is really really active now! Kicking, moving. I'm breathless a lot and really exhausted. And my back feels like it's cut in half sometimes. And my feet are pretty swollen. I have like, one pair of shoes that is comfortable. They all fit, but only one is really comfortable. I've been in maternity pants for a while, but I can still pull off my old shirts and haven't had to buy all too many maternity shirts.
I'm starting to think about getting the baby's room ready. I think I might do green. And then if it's a girl, add some pink stuff. And if it's a boy, add blue or just keep it green and add boy stuff.
We're gonna paint it this weekend once we decide on a color. I think I'm going to find out the sex in a few weeks so I can buy stuff. I don't want to buy all neutral stuff, haha.
Well that's all for now. I'll try to update more often.
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