Good day turned bad.

So today started out good. Football game days usually are pretty peppy. Got excited for the game, listened to the recording of last night's concert (which was great), aced a quiz, had a test I wasn't ready for moved to Monday. Things were going great. Even at the game, which we won 55-13, I was still in good spirits. 
The thing that got me down was something that should have made me happy. The game was over, and we were leaving the stands. Savita and Alie were with me, and the team did their chant where they jump in a circle and chant "Ty" or "Tyler" and then point/look up. It's sweet, and should leave me feeling better, right?
Wrong. I'd been feeling nauseous all night, and that just really made my heart drop to my stomach and make it worse. I wish so much that I could have gone back to that school, congratulated him on the win and been comforted about my nausea in a big bear hug, and even though he'd have been sweaty and gross, I wouldn't have cared.
So I ran to the bathroom trying to keep my composure, and when I came back out it was time to leave.
So I drove to the school to welcome the team home - like a few other people and I always do - and when the team had changed and was coming out to catch their rides or drive home, they came over to me, asked me how I was, etc, talked about Ty. And honestly, eventually I just lost it. I seriously started sobbing on the curb. Right there, in front of everyone. I wanted to stop and go get in my car, but I just couldn't. I know the team saw, because soon enough Logan was running out to meet me at the curb, and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. I can't even explain how awful it was, to just want nothing at all more than to have Ty be the one to hold me, and know that it was absolutely impossible.
I can't get my emotions out. I try, and I know this blog is filled with emotion, but honestly I can't get my feelings into words. They're just so complex. I still love Ty. I always will, more than anyone. And that scares me. Will I be a single mom forever? Will I ever fall in love again? Do I even want to? Sometimes I don't even want to be alive. I mean, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be, but I don't want to be here. I want to be with Ty.
I miss him. It's all I can say; I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
I would trade anything just for one more day with him. The things I would say, the things we would do. I can't help but thing that he would have brought me saltine crackers, rubbed my back, picked out baby socks with me.
I crave his touch. Nothing else is the same. 
I feel bad that Logan had to deal with me. I probably sat there for about 20 minutes, and then he drove me home in my truck and had someone pick him up, because he was nervous about me being too upset to drive safely. He's trying hard to fill the void Ty left; Not just for me, but for all of us. But it's not at all the same. :/
Ty was someone that was a part of all of us. We each have a memory of a time he spent with us. A small gesture, like one of his winning, world-stopping smiles, or something big, like sharing absolutely every physical connection with him. 
I was lucky to be so close to him. So is it wrong that I want more? Is it selfish that I can't help but beg God for another chance?


Dear Ty, 
I love you.
I hope you hold me in my dreams tonight.
Always, forever and eternally yours,
Savannah Ray.