Oh, therapy...

How I dislike you. Why is it that you had to turn my good mood into a totally heartbroken sad one? Why did you make me talk about seeing Ty in that car, all broken and bleeding? I don't want to think about it, but somehow you made me talk about it. :/ 

So yes. I went to therapy today. Like a crazy person! It wasn't that bad and the lady is really sweet, but talking about what happened just made me upset. :/ I hate thinking about him like that, and I hate thinking about those last moments. I miss him, and I will cry myself to sleep tonight.




Anyway. Today, I think, is the first day that I totally and completely feel pregnant. I was sitting in choir, focusing on my breathing to support my sound while sitting, and I put my hand on my stomach like I always do when I focus on my breathing, and just feeling my stomach go in and out, and I don't know. I just felt pregnant. People notice now. They don't look at me and know 100%, but they see the bump and take a double look to make sure they didn't just see things. It's weird, and I know people talk about it. I mean, I'm carrying the last connection to Ty. Just as everyone felt connected to him, I'm sure they now feel connected to me. It's weird, being pregnant. I never ever saw myself in this situation. I miss Ty more than ever, because I just wish that when I walked through the halls, being eyed by other kids, he was by my side holding my hand and making me laugh. 

Another student at my school passed away this Saturday. He was a good friend to Logan, and I'm extremely worried about him now. He's lost two really close friends in the short time of about 2-3 months, and I can't imagine what kind of toll that takes on a person. It's tough. I don't know how to comfort him, when I still need comforting myself. I've been quiet all day today, and even teachers notice. My physics teacher asked if I was okay; Usually I'm talkative and smiling, but today I was just quiet and somber. People would ask if I was okay, but I just do what I always do. Smile and tell them that I stayed up too late last night finishing homework or being on facebook. They smile back, but I know that inside they know how much I hurt. I feel myself drawing more and more inward. I don't even talk much to Savita or Kara or Alie anymore. They ask me, but before I can let it out, that prevalent "I'm okay" just slips out. I don't know why I don't open up. I know that I need to talk, but I just don't want to.