Dear Ty,

I told your parents yesterday. Their faces, Ty. They are so heartbroken. They miss you so much. 
They're as happy as anyone could be in this situation - and Rina can't wait to spoil the baby rotten. I know you would have been happy, too. Scared, but happy. And in times where I'm feeling alone, I can't stop from thinking that we would have been a happy little family, small and dysfunctional, but a family nonetheless. 
I went into your room. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. Everything was just how you left it. The pictures are still taped onto your mirror. Your pee wee football trophies are still on the bookshelf, your name engraved on the fake gold plates. Your bed is still unmade, your notebook lays open next to your guitar. Your mom said that she can't bear to move anything. It hurt, Ty. To know that you were the last one to sleep in your bed. That your fingers were the last to strum that guitar. It now gathers dust in your room. You wouldn't have ever let that happen; I remember how not many people ever remembered you without your guitar, your letterman, or your football. Your letterman hangs over your chair; It smells like you. Even just your smell sends shivers down my spine. Your things from the crash sit on your dresser in a plastic bag - your class ring, your wallet, your phone, your necklace...
Logan was being tough at first, Ty, but now everyone sees how much he's dying inside. I worry about him. He's in AEP for that fight, and on Saturday night Rina found him drunk, wandering the neighborhood. He's messed up without you, Ty. Your mom told me how she made him come inside to sober up. How he pretended he was fine, but when she turned her back, she knew he was crying.
Apparently I'm depressed now. I feel like a crazy person - I have to go to therapy. I don't want to do it. I don't want to talk about you to a stranger. I hardly even want to talk about you to my own family. 
Guess what? They announced homecoming court today. Guess who's junior princess? I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I really don't. Logan is prince, but you will always be my prince charming. People probably voted because they feel sorry for us - I bet you would have won if you were here. I don't think I'm even going to homecoming this year. I don't really want to dress up while I'm looking fat and disgusting, and while I don't have you by my side. 
I guess that's all I have to say today... People say it gets better every day, but it's total BS.
I know I say this every letter, but I miss how it feels to be kissed by you, how it feels when you hold me and tell me things will be okay. How much I need that right now.


I love you, Ty Ty.
Always,
Savannah Ray.

Telling his parents?

Well today is the day that I've told myself all week that I'll tell his parents I'm pregnant. But is't now almost 6pm, and I can't bring myself to make that call. I'm going to try my best to do it after church. I don't know how I'm going to say it. I have no idea what I'm going to do. 

I wish more than anything that he could be there holding my hand when I tell them. Last night was awful. I was so heartbroken that we lost... But with Logan gone and some other key players injured, it was amazing we even lost by 2 points.

Stepping foot in his house today is going to hurt, and I know that. So many memories are in that house...

Dear Ty,

We're all a wreck. Tomorrow there will be tears. For all of us. I'm telling your parents Sunday... I'm so scared, Ty Ty. I hope you're with me.

I'm listening to our songs before I go to bed. I close my eyes, and I sometimes get shivers. I still remember the feel of your arms around me as we danced under the moonlight that summer night, music blaring from your truck. I remember your smell, and how the breeze seemed to dance around us, the smell of rain in the air. I hope that I dream of you tonight... It's the only thing that keeps me sane. And I need a long, perfect dream. Is it so weird of me to do this? To pretend that you come from heaven, into my dreams, so that it's completely real. Maybe I really am crazy. But haven't I always been?

I found a picture of us in my old purse.. It was stuffed at the bottom, folded and a bit worn. But it's taped onto my mirror now. It's the day we got lost in the woods by the creek, confused on all the paths. The sunlight is coming through the trees perfectly, after you searched forever to find the perfect picture spot. We're both laughing; I'm laughing so hard that my eyes are closed and my head thrown back. You're just smiling your smile that touches your eyes. 

I wish I would have told you more, that I love you. God, do I love you. I don't know that I can love anyone else. Ever. I know you would want me to, but I just can't see how it's possible. I guess I'll just focus on our child, and on school. I bet that would make you proud.

Miss you.
Sav.

September 23, 2010

Today was pretty crazy, in all honesty. There were 4 fights at my school today, which is odd, because usually we don't hardly ever have any!! One was kind of about Ty and me. :/
Somehow, word has gotten out that I'm pregnant. I mean, honestly I don't really care all that much anymore. They would have found out anyway. But someone went and started a rumor that it wasn't Ty's and that I went and slept with some other guy right after he died, so this kid was like "slut, whore" etc, etc, blah blah blah. Me, Savita, and Ty's best friend Logan were walking, and Logan told him to stop, the kid said something and they got into it. Logan busted that kid's face, he has a broken nose. I feel really bad. :/ He's in AEP until Wednesday, and ISS on Thursday and Friday of next week. 
In other news, me and Savita and Alie are going to the game Saturday. I REALLY hope we win!! 
Today I'm 14 weeks. I'm starting to get bigger. Not a prominent bump, but it's just like I'm permanently bloated I guess you could say. I've been a bit nauseous lately but I haven't actually thrown up, thank God. I guess that's all I have to say, I have to go pick up my brother from football practice. Adios.

-Savannah.

Dear Ty,

Today it's been two whole months since the day you passed. It feels like forever ago, yet also like just yesterday. I'm sure Savi, Kara, Alie and Arundhati will be showing up soon enough. Maybe Logan. He's taking it real hard, Ty. He misses you. We've got yet another big game this Saturday. It's senior night, and they're playing a video honoring you, because a lot of people will show up. You've left us all broken hearted, Ty Ty. I love you so much. Today was amazing. We had See You At The Pole. Savi and I all organized it, and we were just expecting a few people, but SO many showed up, Ty! Like, 50/60 people! I know you would have been proud of Savita and me. I'm proud of us. :) Physics sucks, by the way. I don't think I ever told you how awkward it was that first day of school... We had physics together, and when the teacher called your name out, it was literally silence, and I could feel the stares in my direction. Someone ended up calling out "He moved" or something... No one really wanted to say anything. I bet you were laughing up there.
Right now, I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment next week, and I get to hear the heartbeat. It's gonna make it more real, I think. I haven't really felt like this whole pregnancy thing is real, since I'm not showing or anything. But god, my hormones are insane. I watched the new 16&Pregnant commercial, and gosh, did I cry. Mostly because two scenes reminded me of us... You know which I mean. This letter isn't nearly as depressing as the last one, though. I teared up just writing that, bud. I'm watching Teen Mom right now. I know that you thought that show was hilarious. Bet you never thought we'd end up in that situation, huh? Let me tell you, it's a lot worse than it seems on TV, and that's saying something. So I hope you're partying up there with Jesus. 

Love you Ty Ty.
Always,
your Savannah.

Cupcakes and cloudy days.

Two months ago today, Ty and I were in the kitchen of my house, baking cupcakes and singing along to the radio, still in our bathing suits and me my cut offs from coming back from the beach. 

It's a similar day today as it was then; It rained this morning, and now it's sunny. It's been the first semi-nice day in forever, finally getting down from the 90s, and not so humid. Finally a breeze instead of the standstill air. It brings back the memories.
I'm sitting here in that same kitchen, typing with the old laptop he'd tease me about on the kitchen table. My chocolate cupcakes are baking in the oven, and I know my mom is concerned, because she keeps asking me how my day was, or how I'm feeling. She's eying me, and trying to get me to do my physics homework to get my mind off what she knows I'm thinking about. She knows what day it is. I made cupcakes August 21st, too. She's probably thinking I'm crazy, that me making cupcakes on the 21st is going to become a ritual for me. Honestly, it probably will. It makes me feel close to him again.
I still haven't told his parents, though I definitely know I need to. They deserve to know. I just don't really know how to say it.
I'm going to my brother's football game soon, and Kara can't come with, so I'm kind of bummed. :/ But you know, gotta support the brother. 
This week has been insanely busy, and it's just insane!!! I had tons of homework last weekend and yesterday. It's sucked, and this year's curriculum is SO hard. It makes it even harder with this whole situation.
Still no one at school knows I'm pregnant except Savita and Arundhati, luckily. It's so funny how their moms are obsessing over my pregnancy, excited and squealing. You'd think they'd be so disapproving. Savita and her family are some kind of Christian where they are Christian but they wear their saris and such. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's cool. :) Savita's family are all excited to do all their little family traditions with me, since I'm almost like their second daughter. Same with Kara and Alie's parents, each of their parents are like my second parents. So pretty much, it's almost like I have 10 parents. ;) 5 moms, 5 dads. My parents, Savita's parents, Kara's parents, Alie's parents and Ty's parents.
So I'm going to stop rambling.
I'm feeling kind of nauseous right now, I'm really hoping all the morning sickness that hasn't happened yet isn't about to dawn on me all at one moment. :/ 
Off to go get ready for the game. 

-Savannah.

About Moi.

My name is Savannah Ray, and I was born on December 8, 1993. I'm sixteen years old, and I'm a junior in high school. I'll be graduating in 2012. I have two siblings. My older sister Farah is 19, and she's engaged to be married sometime next year. I also have a younger brother named Sam, who's 14. He's a freshman in high school, and is very involved in sports. I myself am involved in choir and PALs, as well as a spirit group for the sports teams. I actually like school, and maintain A's in my regular classes, and mid B's to the occasional low A in AP classes. I do, however, really hate homework, and I'm a really bad procrastinator. I have four best friends. My Hindi girlies, Savita and Arundhati, and my white chicks, Kara and Alie. I love to cook, and music is my passion. I sing, play piano, and am teaching myself guitar. I drive a 4 door red Ford F-150, and I love it. It's my baby. :) I have a full sized bed, and God help who I marry, because I'm not so great at sharing a bed. I am a Christian, and some of my favorite verses are as follows: Psalm 139, Isaiah 53, John 13: 33-35, Romans 8: 38-39, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Colossians 1: 15-20 and Colossians 4: 5-6. I love nature, and I feel really connected to it. On July 22, 2010 my life changed forever. My boyfriend Tyler was killed in a car accident. It wasn't his fault. He was only 16. He would have turned 17 on October 11th. We had been going out for 11 months, our one year anniversary August 12, 2010. I miss him more than anything. I miss his smile, I miss his laugh and his kiss. I miss his smell, I miss his eyes. I miss absolutely everything about him. In mid August, I found out I was pregnant. That turned my already shaken up world totally upside down. Ty would never meet his child, never hold him or her. Though I have my family and friends to help me, when it gets tough, I just think about how he could have made it better. 
So I guess I'll be going at this alone, raising a child at sixteen. I'm scared beyond belief, and though I crave Ty's embrace at night, I'll just have to do without.
This will be my outlet, I guess. Vents, updates, etc. For random people, for friends, for family, for anyone, really. For myself. For Ty. For this baby. I just hope that it all works out.