The crib?

So I'm tossing up between these three cribs. They're really similar, but then again they're somewhat different. Each of them transitions into toddler beds, I think one has a toddler rail as well? I don't know, at least I have a little while to decide.

 

Dear Ty

I feel like I'm losing you. You're drifting away from me piece by piece. After seeing that video today, I try to replay your voice in my head, but I can't. I can't. I can't remember. How is that even possible? After all the nights I spend replaying your voice in my head over and over, repeating the night we'd had in my head, and then committing it to memory. Ty, how could I forget your voice? What kind of person does that make me? 

I miss you. 

Oh, therapy...

How I dislike you. Why is it that you had to turn my good mood into a totally heartbroken sad one? Why did you make me talk about seeing Ty in that car, all broken and bleeding? I don't want to think about it, but somehow you made me talk about it. :/ 

So yes. I went to therapy today. Like a crazy person! It wasn't that bad and the lady is really sweet, but talking about what happened just made me upset. :/ I hate thinking about him like that, and I hate thinking about those last moments. I miss him, and I will cry myself to sleep tonight.




Anyway. Today, I think, is the first day that I totally and completely feel pregnant. I was sitting in choir, focusing on my breathing to support my sound while sitting, and I put my hand on my stomach like I always do when I focus on my breathing, and just feeling my stomach go in and out, and I don't know. I just felt pregnant. People notice now. They don't look at me and know 100%, but they see the bump and take a double look to make sure they didn't just see things. It's weird, and I know people talk about it. I mean, I'm carrying the last connection to Ty. Just as everyone felt connected to him, I'm sure they now feel connected to me. It's weird, being pregnant. I never ever saw myself in this situation. I miss Ty more than ever, because I just wish that when I walked through the halls, being eyed by other kids, he was by my side holding my hand and making me laugh. 

Another student at my school passed away this Saturday. He was a good friend to Logan, and I'm extremely worried about him now. He's lost two really close friends in the short time of about 2-3 months, and I can't imagine what kind of toll that takes on a person. It's tough. I don't know how to comfort him, when I still need comforting myself. I've been quiet all day today, and even teachers notice. My physics teacher asked if I was okay; Usually I'm talkative and smiling, but today I was just quiet and somber. People would ask if I was okay, but I just do what I always do. Smile and tell them that I stayed up too late last night finishing homework or being on facebook. They smile back, but I know that inside they know how much I hurt. I feel myself drawing more and more inward. I don't even talk much to Savita or Kara or Alie anymore. They ask me, but before I can let it out, that prevalent "I'm okay" just slips out. I don't know why I don't open up. I know that I need to talk, but I just don't want to.

Homecoming/Christmas!

So homecoming week has been very successful. :) It's been really fun! Tomorrow is going to be extra fun, because we've got short 20-25 minute classes and then we have our carnival (gotta help at the choir booth since I'm alto section leader.) and then pep rally. :) Then the game tomorrow night. I have to go in my dress, since I'm on homecoming court. Thank God Alie had a dress that fit me, because I'm not going to the dance and I didn't want to go buy a dress. I have to be there at 6:10 or something, because the pre-game stuff starts at 6:30. And then I'm singing the national anthem with choir. They'll announce the king and queen and stuff, then the game's at 7. Saturday is the parade which I also have do to - ride on the junior one. :/ Don't really want to but that's okay I guess. Then me, my parents, Sam and Kara are going to the air show Sunday. I don't really want to but my parents do so I guess we are. :/ 
Anyways. We got our first two choir songs for our Christmas concert. We're singing Carol of the Bells which is going to be AMAZING for mixed choir for one of the songs, and then for the women's we're doing O Come All Ye Faithful in about a billion parts. It's insanely pretty.
Just want to take this time to say THANK GOD my choir dress is high waisted and flows out and totally will fit the baby bump. And thank God I'll be able to do UIL in April. :) I'm excited about that, I think we can get sweepstakes this year.
I think me, Savita, and this other girl are singing a song together for the Christmas concert but I don't know what yet. Mannnn, I'm already really in Christmas spirit haha. :) 

:)))

Guess what just happened to me?
I felt my baby move. :) 
At 16 weeks 6 days, I've finally felt it.
I was just sitting in my room chilling out, listening to my ipod on my bed and reading my Bible, and BAM! Right there, definite movement, not just gas or ligament twitches. Yeah, I know I'm probably not supposed to feel him/her until 18-20 weeks or so, but I'm 17 weeks tomorrow and that's close enough. It was amazing... Proof there's really something there, you know? I think feeling that and my ultra sound and all that just makes me feel closer to my baby... Those feelings of resentment are definitely drifting to the back of my mind. Though they aren't gone, they're definitely going away. I can't even explain what it felt like. Almost maybe what a butterfly flapping it's wings inside there or a fish swimming around would feel like. That's really random and weird but that's how I'd describe it.
I know if Ty was here, I would have called him right away. 
Instead I told my mom, and though she tried to tell me that it might not have been, I know that smile on her face meant that she feels something for this baby, too. It is her first grandchild. Farah is beyond excited, and she's begging me to find out the gender so she can start buying things and spoiling us. Same with Rina, Ty's sister. Sam even thought my ultra sound was cool. :) 
Homecoming week is going good, despite mid-terms and the PSAT (that was today - no big deal, though.). Today was western/camo day and I will tell you that I looked pretty darn adorable in my dress, boots and camo bandana. :) 
Monday was 80s day, Tuesday was Twin Day, Today was Western/Camo Day, tomorrow is Dress like a superhero/celeb/character day and then Friday is spirit day where the seniors wear their crowns (BK crowns! :) ) and everyone makes shirts of their class color (mine is black this year. Juniors wear black.) 
So then the game is Friday. We should win, but you don't ever know until that clock hits 0.00
Brother's game is tomomorrow.
Farah and Dave are getting married on the official date of November 11, 2011. One whole year, but that's okay. It's a lucky day. :) Finally they decided on one after all the insane date switching... From this fall to next spring to last summer back to next spring and finally now 11/11/11. They're so cute. :') Finally getting married. After dating just about forever.
Ughhh, I have to wear a dress to the game since I'm on homecoming court. :/ I'm not even going to the dance, so I'm just wearing my friend's dress(thank god it fits!).
I'm so big, by the way. I mean, not HUGE but people are noticing. 

DR Appointment.

So on Friday during school I had a doctors appointment. I had my first ultrasound. It was quite an experience... I feel now more than ever, after seeing that little face on the screen that already resembles Ty, that keeping this baby is definitely what I am supposed to be doing. I'm feeling better about this pregnancy and my choice on keeping the baby. I'm even semi-excited? :) So pregnancy is going normal, measurements are on target, I'm actually showing now... It's crazy. I can't believe that I'm getting big already. 

So here's some name pairings I've put together:

Boys;;
Cash Dalton / Cash Dimitri
Callum Tyler
Oliver Ty
Keiran Tyler
Evan Tyler
Forrest Tyler
Hunter Ty
Gavin Tyler
Lyndon Tyler
Benjamin Tyler
John Tyler
Jude Tyler
Max Dimitri
Bentley Tyler
Ross Dimitri
Waylon Tyler
Peyton Dimitri / Peyton Tyler
Owen Dimitri
Lachlan Dimitri
Zane Tyler
Damon Tyler


Girls;;
Acacia Selene
Olivia Rose
Sophia Genevieve
Sela Grace
Molly Zipporah
Delaney Adia
Miah Annalise
Setareh Aislinn
Elena Abigal / Elena Kadence
Elora Jean
Elona Clementine
Ayla Tenley
Abigail Zipporah
Adelyn Zipporah
Paisley Abigail
Chloe Abigail
Hope Zipporah
Zipporah Abigail
Kadence Zipporah
Analyn Guinevere
Guinevere Paisley

Good day turned bad.

So today started out good. Football game days usually are pretty peppy. Got excited for the game, listened to the recording of last night's concert (which was great), aced a quiz, had a test I wasn't ready for moved to Monday. Things were going great. Even at the game, which we won 55-13, I was still in good spirits. 
The thing that got me down was something that should have made me happy. The game was over, and we were leaving the stands. Savita and Alie were with me, and the team did their chant where they jump in a circle and chant "Ty" or "Tyler" and then point/look up. It's sweet, and should leave me feeling better, right?
Wrong. I'd been feeling nauseous all night, and that just really made my heart drop to my stomach and make it worse. I wish so much that I could have gone back to that school, congratulated him on the win and been comforted about my nausea in a big bear hug, and even though he'd have been sweaty and gross, I wouldn't have cared.
So I ran to the bathroom trying to keep my composure, and when I came back out it was time to leave.
So I drove to the school to welcome the team home - like a few other people and I always do - and when the team had changed and was coming out to catch their rides or drive home, they came over to me, asked me how I was, etc, talked about Ty. And honestly, eventually I just lost it. I seriously started sobbing on the curb. Right there, in front of everyone. I wanted to stop and go get in my car, but I just couldn't. I know the team saw, because soon enough Logan was running out to meet me at the curb, and he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. I can't even explain how awful it was, to just want nothing at all more than to have Ty be the one to hold me, and know that it was absolutely impossible.
I can't get my emotions out. I try, and I know this blog is filled with emotion, but honestly I can't get my feelings into words. They're just so complex. I still love Ty. I always will, more than anyone. And that scares me. Will I be a single mom forever? Will I ever fall in love again? Do I even want to? Sometimes I don't even want to be alive. I mean, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be, but I don't want to be here. I want to be with Ty.
I miss him. It's all I can say; I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
I would trade anything just for one more day with him. The things I would say, the things we would do. I can't help but thing that he would have brought me saltine crackers, rubbed my back, picked out baby socks with me.
I crave his touch. Nothing else is the same. 
I feel bad that Logan had to deal with me. I probably sat there for about 20 minutes, and then he drove me home in my truck and had someone pick him up, because he was nervous about me being too upset to drive safely. He's trying hard to fill the void Ty left; Not just for me, but for all of us. But it's not at all the same. :/
Ty was someone that was a part of all of us. We each have a memory of a time he spent with us. A small gesture, like one of his winning, world-stopping smiles, or something big, like sharing absolutely every physical connection with him. 
I was lucky to be so close to him. So is it wrong that I want more? Is it selfish that I can't help but beg God for another chance?


Dear Ty, 
I love you.
I hope you hold me in my dreams tonight.
Always, forever and eternally yours,
Savannah Ray.

What I miss about you...

-How you always bought me candles when I was sad or had a bad day. You'd leave them in the weirdest places. In my backpack, purse, under my pillow. Places I didn't even know how you'd gotten them there.
-Knowing when to give me time to cool off after a fight or when I was upset, and when to wrap me in a hug and let me cry in your arms.
-Learning how to make one of those tie blankets for me for our first winter together. 
-The way you'd tell me I was beautiful whether I was wearing a dress, makeup and my hair all done up, or in my sweats with my hair in a mess and no makeup on.
-You'd play your guitar and sing for me when you thought I was asleep. 
-Sitting outside my bedroom door after our only real big fight, playing "She's Everything" on the other side of the door. 
-Helping me study and make up songs to remember things for tests I had. 
-How you'd smile at strangers, help someone pick up their books that most people wouldn't have looked twice at, how you'd sent carnations on Valentine's Day to girls who would never get one. You cared about everyone.
-Pumping up the whole school on pep rally day. 
-Quoting Finding Nemo with me.
-The way your arms fit around me; The way your fingers fit perfectly with mine. 
-Your smell. Even without cologne. Your natural smell. 
-The way you kissed me.
-The way you asked me to homecoming sophomore year; With roses and puzzle pieces. :) 
-The brush of your fingers against my skin.
-Your passion of music.
-Your passion of reaching out to others.
-Your passion of God.
-Your passion of horses<3 like mee.
-Your tore up boots.
-Your button up shirts I liked so much.
-Your ramen.
-Your eyes<3
-Everything about you.

Dear Ty Ty,
please come back to me. 
if only in my dreams.
Love always and forever;
Savannah Ray.